I need to write, badly

I wish I could promise people from the start that I'd never let them down.
But that would be lying.
I wish I could say I'll be the only one around.
But that would be lying.



Still, we are flowers in a wide-spread field.
A field of love torn by war.
But we are young, and our hopes come crashing down.
I feel as if I breathe in love, more so as a poison than the creation of my life.

Explored

Treetop

Bending and climbing, reaching for the sky. I had to make a lot of mistakes before getting here.

And no matter what those mistakes will always be with me.

Each beautiful in their error, I do not regret a single move.

Credit @ Rachel Highfield for this fish-eye goodness

One year

"love is when...
your soul finds its counterpoint. where if anything bad happens to their missing piece, their world just comes crashing down. because they know they've lost all that they'd ever hope for. it's when you see them, whatever the surrounding is becomes a blur. and nothing else matters but seeing them happy. it's when you get those annoying butterflies when you hear their voice, even though you've been listening to it all day long. when you give them your all, and still try for 110%. when they're all you think about, and you hold on to every cute thing they say. it's when you look at them and you realize how you fell in love in the first place. you admire every little thing about them. from the sparkle in their eyes, to way they make you laugh. the sun reflects of their features, you forget about anything you argued about before. because all imperfections are just perfect to you. it's when they could live across the country, or right down the street and your feelings about one another never change. because the distance is all in your head, numbers don't mean a thing. because their love is worth every inch. you rest your head on their shoulder, just wishing it could last forever. it's when their kisses are just as magical as the last. and when the cliche term of "i love you" never gets old, because deep down you know they mean it more than anything."

God, I remember writing that a year ago.
And re-reading it now makes me ask "what if" about everything. What if I listened more; picked up the hints, what if I was more patient, what if I gave 120% instead of just 110%?

I just want the snow. I want it to freeze off all the loose ends that are trying to tie themselves back together.
I felt closure, but you're trying to make me come undone all over again.

Hmph. As in ugh, or agh.
I know what I want, and I won't screw things up.

Wanting

something different. I really thought about it and I'm constantly fucked over. Damn it! I think I'm weird, I have no idea.

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like dis fishaaaay :)

Oh Jeeesus

I'm giddy.
I'm embarrassed to write down what I'm thinking.
I'm hopeless, I do love you. <3

Butterfly feeling

"I still love you" is all you had to say, to drag me back in.
And you're just everything I'm wanting right now.

December.

:)

I feel like a caterpillarrrr.
Safe and protected in my own little cocoon.
I haven't reached my full potential, but I know I will eventually.



I like it.
It's different.

Probably

Hahahahaha, I love BabyJ

Recap;
- Shoved 6's through my ear! Yay for baby gauges
- Work was fuuuuun, my boss told me to fuck myself
- Helped Tim pack/"going away get together" with Jess, Shae, Tim, other people I don't knooooow. Real bummed :(
- Went to Vallie's, bought plugs that are NOT going to fit. I'm pissed <3

Hiding

from whoever you are;



I want to be found this time around

I won't be a Debbie Downer, hmph

"People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People who really want help may attack you if you help them. Help them anyway. Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway."

I'm feeling a bit discouraged today. I'll go out into the world just to take a walk, and be. Rather than to do. I'll take in the air, look at the leaves. Maybe I'll bring my camera.

Wonder

"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't."

I'm watching Alice In Wonderland right now, ohhh <3


I'm almost sure I'd do anything to be Alice, Alice who's in Wonderland.

Sinking like a stone in the sea~

The ice between reality and I is dangerously thin. I'm walking on a tight rope,
but I'm not afraid. I want to know what it's like to hit the bottom of the ocean.
I'm testing myself, I want to know if I'll survive. Something tells me I can.
I want to know if I'm strong enough. Something tells me I am.
I'm destined for something great, call it a hunch. Something is going to try
and knock me off course, but whether I let that happen or not is entirely up to me.
I want greatness? A lot more is in store for me if I want to get there.
This life is not easy.

Random

"random dates

• Go on a search for as many good climbing trees as possible, climb as high as you both can in all of them, compile photo evidence

• Go to a major chain bookstore, and leave notes to future readers in copies of your favorite books

• Have her dress up as a ghost and you dress uup us Pacman. Walk around downtown holding hands, and whenever anyone sees you two, pretend to be embarrassed, and run off screaming “wocka wocka wocka.”

• Create photo evidence suggesting that you went on an adventure that didn’t really happen

• Dress up as superherous and stop at least one petty crime “ie. jaywalking, littering….”

• Build forts out of furniture and blankets, and wage war with paper airplanes.

• Try and visit as many people as you can in one night, and turn as many things inside their apartment upside down as you can, without them noticing.

• Go to the airport, get the cheapest, soonest departing flight to anywhere when you show up, and stay there for a weekend.

• Write a piece of fiction together. Outside at a cafe. Ask strangers when you get stuck.

• Dress to the nines, pretend to be married, and test drive very expensive vehicles at an auto dealership.

• Do the lamest tourist thing in your area that you have both secretly wanted to do forever. Have an unabashed good time!

• In the middle of the night, drive to the beach, so you arrive just as the sun is rising. Have a breakfast picnic, then fall asleep together. Bring a sun umbrella.

• Drive somewhere unknown and have dinner in a city you’ve never been to. With fake names.

• Go to a minor league baseball game under the stars. Tell each other stories about how bad you are at athletics. Randomly cheer for both teams. Eat lots of Cracker Jacks.

• Walk around a city and perform short silent plays in front of security cameras

• With camera and pair of boots, make photolog of a day in the life of the invisible man.

• Walk around the city all night and find a place to eat breakfast at dawn

• Rent a movie you’ve never seen before. Set on mute and improvise dialogue.

This is a tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be that they are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don’t give up on the first date, who don’t want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and supportive audience for a story they’ve heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren’t perfect and that the guys they’re interested in aren’t either, for the girl’s who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe, just maybe this time he’ll have understood. This is a homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more then they should for guys who don’t deserve their attention. This is for the girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from “there are plenty of fish in the sea” to “time heals all wounds.” This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it"

I found this on Rayych's blog, I liked it. It reminds me of a lot of friends, some parts myself. Interesting.

I still have my ring but I don't miss you~


See? You bought the perfect size too. It looks like I have a comb-over. I miss my long hair, damn.

Anyways, this past Sunday was amazing. I spent the day in Cleveland with Tim. It's something I really needed, I haven't been there in so long and it was nice to spend time with him before he leaves Friday. The art museum never gets old, and Tommy's food always seems to get better. Tonight is poker/movie night with him and Jess Fidelllll <3 God I love that girl, "danky". It's 9:30, I'm supposed to mosey on out at 10:00. Momma isn't home yet. Operation sneak is a no go. Not right now.

Why am I posting this, it's pointless. Ha, tomorrow I'll have something less personal. Prooooomise

Tim

You're a real good guy. I respect you a lot and I wish I knew you longer. You're moving to Denver on Thursday. Or Friday. Make up your mind? I'm going to miss the shit out of you. And I promise, yes I promise, once I stop being a baby about driving I'll come to Denver to see you. Until then stay you and I'll stay me. I wish you the best of luck.

Also, I think I'll play "Best I Ever Had" every time I'm at work just because you did. Ha. <3

You probably aren't reading this anyways, but I'll probably cry when you leave. Probably.

The best part is breathing in constantly

Can you feel it?
Can you hear it? I'm screamin'!

There's just something going on with me right now, I'm constantly singing and smiling. I can't even sit still. This is so bizaaaaaaaarre. Something has definitely gotten into me.

Hm. I haven't acted all cute like this in a long time. Someone tell me what's up.
Ha!

Oh I'm just so tired

alone
alone
alone
alone

Oh I'm just so tired

~

For better or for worse

I found your picture today, I was in it with you. And I re-read the letter you wrote once I got home. It was the first time in a long time that I felt so... empty? I'll be honest, I shed a few tears.

Weren't you afraid like I was? Going out and trying to find someone to take my place, someone to go through the same motions with, so they'd know you as well as I?

I'm still scared, I just want my heart back. I want to be able to give my all to someone later on down the road, without having to worry about you coming back around.

If I showed someone that picture today, they'd never guess we held on tight, and maybe not with arms at night. I'd have to tell them there was a connection there, a faulty one, but a connection nonetheless.

I can't remember the structure of your face, or how your voice sounded when you would be angry.

So for me, this is closure. This is me moving on. I'm a little wrinkled from the wash, but I'm alive and well.

Goodbye.

Die fighting*

I'd love those words inked onto my ribcage, within the next few weeks. I'm running out of patience here!

But for now I'll settle with a day in Coventry. I'd go to Tommy's for falafel, then Passport to Peru to replace this beautifully beaten moccasins. I'd go to the steps and have a cigarette, just because I can there. But I want this sweatshirt. I need another job, I don't have any money for Chicago saved up.

Early morning/late night Blackberry nonsense

My ears won't stop bleeding, it's making lying down extremely uncomfortable. I'll get some warm salt water to fix them, though. But not now.

I want Alpine to open

I want my tattoo

I want some coffee and a smooth

Should I re-evaluate my life? Make some adjustments?

I miss Summer, I miss Chicago, and I miss youuu, you, you, you. I decided not to call you anymore because whispered words into phone receivers don't seem real to me. I think I should wait. 1500 people are waiting, but it feels like I'm waiting the most. How vain of me to say, but I don't care. It's how I've been feeling.

I miss the stars and sneaking out.

It's four in the morning, I should be sleeping. Like normal people do. I think it would be nice if I was paired with another insomniac, it would make the night less lonely. But I enjoy the quiet, the time I actually get to breathe. I can't be any more contradictory if I tried. Ha!

I talked to Victor on Saturday about feelings. It's the only thing I remember before I blacked out. Apparently I said, "People think feelings are disturbing. It's like they're radios or unnecessarily warm jackets , people tune in when the listening is good and take them off when it's uncomfortable." It made sense at the time... not so much now, I suppose.

I'm not a wishful person, I wish I was.

Ohhhhh, the irony.

I don't remember what I posted last, something about a genuine reform? If I started to nurse my own wounds, and search for my own happiness instead of letting it dwell in others; would that be a genuine change?

Someone carve a name into me, a heart into me. Anything.

My mind is racing and I'm short of breath trying to keep up with it. This is fantastic. I'm coming back around.

I'm all over the place and tripping over my feet. I. Love. It.

I'm coming back around.