A Genuine Reform

Be aware that what you chase may not be worth catching.

If you cheat for it, you will come to resent it.

If you steal it, it will come to haunt you.

The sweetest things in my life were the most difficult to earn.

Blank

I'm not in the past trying to patch back things that haven't been ripped, nor am I in the future preparing myself for the heavy blow of reality that I've already taken. I'm right here. I'm not anticipating or dwelling, and I'm fine with that.

Through the yelling, laughing, crying, hugging, fighting, loving, chasing, protecting, falling I find myself just being. And I'm fine with that.

I've been lacking the motivation to put the pen to the fucking paper and write something of substance for a long time.

Which is odd, because my notebook is full.

Postscript; I'm getting my tattoo relatively soon. Not that you care, I'm just excited and thought I'd share it indirectly. :)

Another weekend

They are definitely slipping away from me, these little weekends.

Recap; Worked on Friday. Stayed at Vallie's with Nikkie, and hung out with Alicia and Taylor while there. We played Apples to Apples and I lost. Went home Saturday to clean and shower. Ida then picked me up and we sang/smoked all the way to Mentor. Guess who's quitting? Ha! I found a dress for my costume that was only five dollars. Drove back to Ida's, and I pierced her septum. It was perfectly straight, but the jewelry didn't fit. She also bought me gauges, I'm not too sure how big I'll stretch them. Not bigger than a 00, though. Then we drove to pick up Josh from work and go to Bro's house. Everything was perfectly chill until some dumb pregnant bitch walks into a room full of smoke, and says "No I don't care if my baby comes out mutated and addicted to nicotine it's totally fine, look see I don't care!" but she really said "No it's fine, you guys don't have to put anything out". Left at 10:30, got back to Ida's at 11:00 and watched Van Helsing. Fell asleep at 12:00, when Josh texted Ida to say Tony thinks I'm "dope". Awkward~ Ended up talking to him all day and I don't think I want to be jail-bait. Went to the mall again today, bought the dress, and went home for an hour. Went BACK to Mentor AGAIN for the third time for cape material. I didn't do homework because Maureen and Aunt Diane came over. I shouldn't be writing this I should be studying.

Falling asleep to Anthony Green and Good Old War tonight.

365

I MADE IT THROUGH THIS YEAR ALIVE, AND IT KILLS ME THAT YOU AREN'T AROUND TO SEE IT.

You just wanted to see me fall. I kept my heart alive and finished with my dignity.

I am not sorry, I am not sorry.

I forgot

I forgot how shitty not sleeping is,

and I forgot how much I enjoy A Weather. And Animal Collective,

along with other things, like macaroni and cheese.

I'm rambling, so I'm going to get ready for school.

Thank God it's Friday, yaknow?

In the air I flew

I have these dreamsss.

They're always beautiful, full of color and feeling. We're always talking, holding hands and having whisper wars; because it takes two to do all those things. We're at the park and your fingers play with my hat, while mine play with your shirt. I wake up, next to you. You hold me while your breathing lulls me back to sleep.

But then I wake up. And these dreams, they always feel like I'm looking at you for the first time in months. They're inconsequential but they make me sad.

These dreams.

+

I want you to understand my sense of humor, sing along with me in the car, and watch old movies; the good kind.

If you can do yoga, big plus.

Star watching is and has always been required, along with camping.

I don't care if you drink or smoke, and going to hookah every now and then would be wonderful.

Honestly, I want you to actually tell me if I look bad.

And I don't make promises, so let's hope you don't either.

D'aw yeah, that'd be nice for a change. Let's just see how this goes. :)

Finally, finally

I could not have said it better myself;

"It’s one of those deathcabforcutie play all coffee cigarettes clean make to do list kind of day. I just cannot bring myself to rid my life of my Sundays.

I’ve decided to take a break from my normal self. Let go of my heart. I’ve encountered so much heartbreak within the past year. Not even really with myself but with those I hold very close to my heart. We’re all so young, we’re doomed to be ripped apart a thousand times to really get to whats underneath it all. I’ve realized that I search so hard for something that if I had it — I can’t say with complete honesty that I’d know what to do with it.

I’ve noticed that the words “…I need to” or “I want to…” (fill in the blank with something I wish I could do) leave my mouth quite often. Thing’s I could do if I only directed more of my energy into that direction. Activities so small as really learning how to successfully use chopsticks. I look at the things that other people create and just wish I had that talent, that drive to do those same things — I am capable of doing them. I’d like to drink more tea, learn how to play the guitar, paint, devote so much more energy into studying. Plan my future endeavors and stick to them.

I get this way every now and again, and rarely stick to what I say — a quality I more than dislike about myself. I am beginning to understand that the only reason I am the way that I am is because I chose to be this way. I ultimately am the only person who can control those qualities I wish I had within myself. I have them, it’s just a matter of finding them. I need to solely make myself happy so I lose that need to find happiness for myself within others."

- Credit to Ida Delic.

My life has exponentially gotten better within the last, hour I want to say. Maybe two. I got the call that pulled me back from my distant daze. I have the person who has always meant so much to me back and I can't wait to start spending every day I have available with her. I can't express how sorry I am for being so stubborn and simply ridiculous. I'm more than thankful to be able to pick up where we left off and continue on from there.

i feel infinite

Weekend

I picked up Mike from Lyndhurst and he told me about Where The Wild Things Are. I taught my dad how to trim bonsai trees and he showed me how to fix a bike. I made soup and set up my computer. I took my dog for a walk and he didn't chew up my knit hats for once. I bought my mom coffee and she's ordering me Chinese food as I type. I went to work and then saw Paranormal Activity. I freaked out and held on to someone I didn't know for the whole movie. I tried Quaker Steak and Lube wings for the first time, and damn they're good. I stayed up until three doing homework. I applied at Alpine, and I'm about to go watch movies all night since I'm not going to school in the morning.

Loooooovely

I dare you to tell me this life is not wonderful

Waking up to find out you still have a few hours left to sleep,
feeling alive and infinite,
spending weekends with your best friend,
staying up to watch the sunrise,
taking long walks in the cold,
listening to music a little too loud,
driving around, writing everything down,
laying in the street looking up at the stars,
planning your future,
having little colds that make your voice sound funny,
ponytail holders; lots and lots of ponytail holders,
the smell of fall, having the winter wind go right through your body,
laughing so hard your ribs hurt, crying till you smile,
super big hugs that last forever, friends that will stick around for a lifetime,
coloring with chalk on the asphalt,
fries with hot sauce, macaroni and cheese with hot sauce, pizza with hot sauce,
EVERYTHING with hot sauce,
softball practices, painting your nails,
the beach at night, chai tea late with soy milk,
delicious ravioli's, walking around Coventry,
finding things to do that don't cost money,
baby Bits and her piercing paws,
very lazy Sundays,
peace of the mind.

LIVE A LITTLE

It's too cold

You’d think it would be easy for them to mark with red the cigarette that killed you so that you wouldn’t smoke it, the drink that does you in with a label cautioning you not to, the kiss that ends the world with flashing lights that spell out the words “Stay Away.

Holy chalk, this is too hard.

Ich vermisse dich.

Detox

Smoking and drinking is bad.
I'm unhealthy as it is.
This is pathetic. I'm cutting back on all this toxic bullshit, watch me!

Chalk, this is going to be interesting...

Well our love is universal~

To think that someone built these roads between us. Cutting mountains, and crossing rivers. Connecting things that aren't supposed to be connected.

And then there was one

FUCKING A. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
WOWWWWWOWOWOWOWOOWOWOWOW.

I can't even talk.
Totally just burnt that bridge; two down, hopefully the last one will stay.
I'm staying calm, Adam and Jenna said everything happens for a reason.

I wish there was a rewind button on my life, because I've been fucking up a whole lot.

Explosions In The Sky will help me drift off to sleep.

I miss you already. I missed you even when I was with you. That’s been my problem. I miss what I already have, and I surround myself with things that are missing.

I never stop wanting

God, the days just run together. My concept of time is so way off.

It's October, I don't want it to be October. It'll be one year, on the 25th. I'm a mess just thinking about it. I just want to mean something to someone like I did before; instead of everyone else meaning everything to me.

I can't deal with this, I'm going to have a cigarette and further contemplate why I'm not satisfied. Ha. What a solution.

I need to stop making this blog a fucking diary, I'm pathetic. <3