Need to write, need to write; need to think some

I have a daring heart with a head that's sure to spin. I'm always losing myself and seldom found. the pulsing of my veins keeps me in tune with the here and now. My book is closed and my thoughts remain dust-covered. I hold truth by it's neck and I cannot let it go. No part of me is wrapped around anyone's finger aside from my hair. I hate to say that I told you so. Catch your breath. Now, what to you mean, what do I mean?

We'll sink 'em fast

Everything is just beginning for me, it is.

My mind is sharp and my back is strong, I'll be victorious. I'm going to win.

I'M TIRED.

You know you're from Regina...

"Although you may have signed up for Biology or Environmental Science, Mr. Steiner's class tends to be more about serial killers, random YouTube videos and the color red."

"You can name almost every Zbiegien in order."

"Kreager versus everone else"

"atleast once in your high school career at regina you have plotted to get into the convent unnoticed " ACCOMPLISHED*

"you say the word "clowns" and everyone around you shudders."

"you've seen Sr. Karen cry at least once "

"you're not the only one that thinks Steiner has a little too much time on his hands in order to watch all of those youtube videos and all your class consists of is pro surfers, lion hunts, and steroids."

"You pair teacher-teacher relationships...no matter how desturbing they are... " Wing Wong and DeCorps

"You know somebody has a bottle of hot sauce stashed in their purse." Roshawnda/Monica/Ellen/Me, ALWAYS*

"freshwomyn is spelled with a "y" "

"You feel like a piece of your sole lives there." <33333333333

No matter how much the teachers put me down, all the rumors spread, all the shit-talking, all the hallway break downs, all of Steiner's creepy comments, DeCorpo's prayer posture and Mrs. Lelli's OBNOXIOUSLY RIDICULOUS EXAMS, I miss the times I had at RHS. I love knowing as soon as I walk through those doors Mrs. Robinson greets me with a hug and a "Welcome back baby girl, I missed you sugar" ALWAYS. That is love right there.

Ellen; I miss seeing you everyday along with toomy. You made me feel like such a BA just walking around school with you. You dress code breaker, you. Always makin' lunch special, lending an ear whenever I needed to talk. You were always there for me, and you still are.

Julie; softball/pizza/crashing baby showers. I think and worry about you everyday, I hope you're okay. You know I'm always there for you, right? I hope you read this, because I love and miss you so much. Softball was an experience and a half. Breaking down, eating ourselves sick, and bringing back food for the team had to be the highlight of the season. Or beating Gilmore twice in a row. Disliking you "freshwomyn" year had to be the stupidest mistake of my life.

Meg; COTTTTONNNNNNNNNN. Ha, we are boss. Although, you're bossier. Swear it. I miss your smile. You had the liveliest soul, no one could be sad around you. I had the most difficult year last year, and you were a big contributer to me getting through it, even if you didn't know it at the time. You're an amazing friend to Julie, you really are. Without you I don't know where she'd be, because you're so much stronger than I am. Little wonder, is what you are. Stay you, stay true.

Jess; we both left, you to Cincinatti and I to NDCL. But I miss you as much as anyone else. You always protected me and made sure no one gave me shit for being who I am. You formed my back bone, basically. I miss seeing you in the halls only to shove me into lockers then buy me cookies at lunch when I would actually eat. Freshman/sophomore volleyball were the best two seasons of my life. High flyyyyer~ You helped me be better than I was, thank you thank you thank you even though I haven't played in ages. Don't be disappointed.

Free

Sometimes, a kind word or two can warm three or four cold winter months.

So do this; go. be. love. this world needs you.

tothoseilove

me: what if I ripped out your heart?
you: then I would say that it’s yours to keep.
me: but what if there was only half of it there?
you: then I would find the other half and give it to you.

<3

This has always been my favorite;

My eyes shouted out what my mind couldn't say. My heart thumps "I need you, I need you. Don't go, don't go"
Thump thump, thump thump, thump thump.

And here you've stayed.

gotta have skills

I should probably stop smoking, just a thought

Can't get this straight

You caught me at a very strange time in my life.

I'm pushing words around my plate. Playing, I don't know how to use them properly.

You write beautiful things, you leave me breathless, you're a re-occurring thought one thousand times a day, you are real, you are genuine, you make me think, and wonder. You have the softest, most comforting touch, your lips and fingertips. I don't like when you leave, this you know. You make me scream at the sky, you make me want this. You make me want you. I told you to take a risk here and there, because I'm afraid to take them and I wanted to see if you'd jump with me. You jumped, you found me. I'm trying to say that I'm giving myself to you because we deserve each other. We deserve this love. I need you, and I won't pull away, either.

Wild hearts, we both are; unconquerable souls, not easily broken. My smile won't fade, it's all this hope to be with you that's making my face ache.

Not getting it

If I know what I want out of life, why am I not going after it? Why am I sitting around waiting for it to happen? Like a shooting star, or a stray eyelash; can I wish my life into what it should be?

I'm full of questions and there isn't an answer for one of them. I feel hypocritical. I push people. I push people so much they exceed farther than anything they could have ever imagined. WHY CAN'T I DO THAT FOR MYSELF?

It's true what I say, I can help anyone and everyone but myself.
I need to write meaningful things.
I need a revelation.
I need a push.
I need sleep.

Hmph

I just want honesty.
Punchline, snare drum, forced laughter; life can be such a bad joke. More cliche than fairy-tales.
I don't want the lies.

I scream at the sky.

But it's beyond me, what I want to see. Perception seems like my only reality.

Distracted lately

An easy swing

There's too many keys and not enough locks in this world. Seems to me it's so much easier to lose yourself than to be found by another.

My hopes are tattooed to my eyelids, for when I close my eyes I see the sky and everything underneath it for what it really is; beautiful. My heart knows me more than I could have thought.

And to whoever said that things like this just don't happen, you're a liar. A horrible liar.

oh,

I believe this.

:(

Ramble ramble raaaah

I'm sorry, but is that not the most fitting picture for this blog? It's marvelous!

Lately I'm enjoying lots of things;

Scarves, white chocolate peppermint mochas, bobby pins, blackberries ze fruit, french vanilla mint gloss, cigarettes, putting weird things through my ear, deep passion, illogical motives, big big beds to not sleep in, you, falafel, passport to peru, late night conversations, insomnia, juicy couture/having Ida make fun of me for saying it weird, Christmas cards, driving anywhere, Wendy's, nikon d40x, weekends, leggin's, FURRY BOOTZ, tea; lots of it, sing-a-longs, libraries and so much more shit I can't even remember.

Life's been good, can't wait for break. It'll be a good time.
Ida and I went shopping today, we found the perfect jumble of stuff for Ayla, and a Juicy bracelet for Daira. Who just so happened to love it, after we forced her to open it early. And while we were there, her mother tried to make me wear her slippers because I'm an idiot and didn't wash any socks. Haha, what a woman.
Also, it's Yahoosh's 21st birthday. YAAAAAAY FINALLY!

Not much has been going on. I haven't had any motivation to write anything, besides what I think of people. Not their personalities and such, but their function. What they are, etc. I'll have to think on it some more and write later.

GOAWAY.

"It kills you to know this world it owes you nothing. So just forget what you’re expecting, you’ll find half what you deserve."

Another P.S

I'm a closed book, have been for awhile. Internalizing things, it's getting hard to do.

Lately, I have felt like hibernating. Minus the sleep. I wonder if people would miss me, or if people would write me letters. And then when I came back, would they want to memorize me by my face, or by my heart?

P.S.

.

My biggest secret is that I'm happy knowing with every step I take, I'm farther and farther away from you.

Another is I've dreamed about perfection being people doing something to benefit others first, before themselves.

The third big one being serenity found it's way to you. But it found it's way through me. I'm secretly happy you're okay.

I hope you see this

Ida Lena Delic; you are truly my best friend. There isn't a day that passes by that I haven't stopped to realize how lucky I REALLY am to have you in my life. I love you, til forever.

Sincerely,
Shnooks

Washing my hands

Seems like the relationships I've been in have fallen apart at the seams. For awhile I thought the problem was me, and that I was not living up to the expectations of others.

I'm afraid that I've been writing about love without knowing what it truly means.
I feel like a liar. I wrote pretty things, never quite saying what I meant for people to understand.

Starting over.

Wondering

"I often wonder if I'll ever finish all I've started, and the answer I have found is NO.
No, I will never finish all that I have started because life is about doing, the process
And not the result. Life is about doing whether you want to or not."

Taking a look back to the past I realize it isn't what I had wanted for myself at the time.
But right at this moment I could NOT be more thankful for what I have, because I know I would have never had any of this if it weren't for those perfect mistakes.

Set Your Goals, you make me ramble on and on and on about nothing.

Real

I think you should know that every atom in my body has hoped for you

Smokeroomclub

More like joke room club?

Kidding, that's Coven. It's pretty good for recording on a macbook, check 'em out. Missed him while he was home, hopefully I'll catch him over Christmas break.

http://www.myspace.com/smokeroomclub

I'm wearing gloves as I type. I am FREEZING. Just came here to spread word about Alex. I'll write something later.

Ramble

I've been taken advantage of. Lots of people don't like me, few do and I know exactly why.
Everyone has bad days, seems like I have them often.
It's hard for me to open my mouth. I hardly snatch at opportunities that won't come 'round again.
Awkward situations more than likely make up my life.
I decorate my room with lights. If I could I'd sleep all day.
If I carved faces into carrots and passed them out on Halloween maybe America's kids wouldn't be fat.
I only eat lunch, other than that I'll pass on food. Coffee keeps me alive. Marlboro will be the death of me.
I want a romance that can't be compared to a book or a movie. Something that belongs to me, and you.
I giggle in hallways and find it difficult to not smile all the time. I can't stop singing, and you'll never hear it.
Most people, kidding; all people have weaknesses, I have too many to list.
Everything seems so fucking interesting to me. I take walks everyday, even in the snow.
My hands are constantly ice, I should invest in mittens or have someone hold them all the time.
I don't like being hit on, it makes me uncomfortable.
I can't keep up with myself, I don't know how to make decisions effectively. I feel older than I am.
I need to put down these brain spurts of nothing-ness so I can sleep once in awhile.

I'm off to bed, my eyes are heavy.

Just

Lend me your eyes, and I'll change what you see.

oh, it's perfect <3

Funday

It's been a deathcabforcutie-take a walk and a smoke-read a book-tap your foot kind of day.
And that's exactly what I did. I'm going to get comfortable with blankets and tea, watch some movies. I'll write in my notebook with my black felt pen.
How was your weekend?
Mine was great.

Motto

"we love without knowing it. a man, or a woman, can't love on schedule. i don't wake up in the morning and say "i shall start loving at nine-twenty, and continue until ten-fifteen." yes love is accidental and it's everywhere - it's the wind, the tide, the waves, the sunshine. "

I can't stop reading it.
I can't stop reading it.
I can't stop reading it.

You know I need you

Just like you need me.
I'm just happy.

With eyes wide shut

I'm just looking for a change.
I can taste another lonely Christmas, and I can not feel anything towards it.

I need to write, badly

I wish I could promise people from the start that I'd never let them down.
But that would be lying.
I wish I could say I'll be the only one around.
But that would be lying.



Still, we are flowers in a wide-spread field.
A field of love torn by war.
But we are young, and our hopes come crashing down.
I feel as if I breathe in love, more so as a poison than the creation of my life.

Explored

Treetop

Bending and climbing, reaching for the sky. I had to make a lot of mistakes before getting here.

And no matter what those mistakes will always be with me.

Each beautiful in their error, I do not regret a single move.

Credit @ Rachel Highfield for this fish-eye goodness

One year

"love is when...
your soul finds its counterpoint. where if anything bad happens to their missing piece, their world just comes crashing down. because they know they've lost all that they'd ever hope for. it's when you see them, whatever the surrounding is becomes a blur. and nothing else matters but seeing them happy. it's when you get those annoying butterflies when you hear their voice, even though you've been listening to it all day long. when you give them your all, and still try for 110%. when they're all you think about, and you hold on to every cute thing they say. it's when you look at them and you realize how you fell in love in the first place. you admire every little thing about them. from the sparkle in their eyes, to way they make you laugh. the sun reflects of their features, you forget about anything you argued about before. because all imperfections are just perfect to you. it's when they could live across the country, or right down the street and your feelings about one another never change. because the distance is all in your head, numbers don't mean a thing. because their love is worth every inch. you rest your head on their shoulder, just wishing it could last forever. it's when their kisses are just as magical as the last. and when the cliche term of "i love you" never gets old, because deep down you know they mean it more than anything."

God, I remember writing that a year ago.
And re-reading it now makes me ask "what if" about everything. What if I listened more; picked up the hints, what if I was more patient, what if I gave 120% instead of just 110%?

I just want the snow. I want it to freeze off all the loose ends that are trying to tie themselves back together.
I felt closure, but you're trying to make me come undone all over again.

Hmph. As in ugh, or agh.
I know what I want, and I won't screw things up.

Wanting

something different. I really thought about it and I'm constantly fucked over. Damn it! I think I'm weird, I have no idea.

">

like dis fishaaaay :)

Oh Jeeesus

I'm giddy.
I'm embarrassed to write down what I'm thinking.
I'm hopeless, I do love you. <3

Butterfly feeling

"I still love you" is all you had to say, to drag me back in.
And you're just everything I'm wanting right now.

December.

:)

I feel like a caterpillarrrr.
Safe and protected in my own little cocoon.
I haven't reached my full potential, but I know I will eventually.



I like it.
It's different.

Probably

Hahahahaha, I love BabyJ

Recap;
- Shoved 6's through my ear! Yay for baby gauges
- Work was fuuuuun, my boss told me to fuck myself
- Helped Tim pack/"going away get together" with Jess, Shae, Tim, other people I don't knooooow. Real bummed :(
- Went to Vallie's, bought plugs that are NOT going to fit. I'm pissed <3

Hiding

from whoever you are;



I want to be found this time around

I won't be a Debbie Downer, hmph

"People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People who really want help may attack you if you help them. Help them anyway. Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway."

I'm feeling a bit discouraged today. I'll go out into the world just to take a walk, and be. Rather than to do. I'll take in the air, look at the leaves. Maybe I'll bring my camera.

Wonder

"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't."

I'm watching Alice In Wonderland right now, ohhh <3


I'm almost sure I'd do anything to be Alice, Alice who's in Wonderland.

Sinking like a stone in the sea~

The ice between reality and I is dangerously thin. I'm walking on a tight rope,
but I'm not afraid. I want to know what it's like to hit the bottom of the ocean.
I'm testing myself, I want to know if I'll survive. Something tells me I can.
I want to know if I'm strong enough. Something tells me I am.
I'm destined for something great, call it a hunch. Something is going to try
and knock me off course, but whether I let that happen or not is entirely up to me.
I want greatness? A lot more is in store for me if I want to get there.
This life is not easy.

Random

"random dates

• Go on a search for as many good climbing trees as possible, climb as high as you both can in all of them, compile photo evidence

• Go to a major chain bookstore, and leave notes to future readers in copies of your favorite books

• Have her dress up as a ghost and you dress uup us Pacman. Walk around downtown holding hands, and whenever anyone sees you two, pretend to be embarrassed, and run off screaming “wocka wocka wocka.”

• Create photo evidence suggesting that you went on an adventure that didn’t really happen

• Dress up as superherous and stop at least one petty crime “ie. jaywalking, littering….”

• Build forts out of furniture and blankets, and wage war with paper airplanes.

• Try and visit as many people as you can in one night, and turn as many things inside their apartment upside down as you can, without them noticing.

• Go to the airport, get the cheapest, soonest departing flight to anywhere when you show up, and stay there for a weekend.

• Write a piece of fiction together. Outside at a cafe. Ask strangers when you get stuck.

• Dress to the nines, pretend to be married, and test drive very expensive vehicles at an auto dealership.

• Do the lamest tourist thing in your area that you have both secretly wanted to do forever. Have an unabashed good time!

• In the middle of the night, drive to the beach, so you arrive just as the sun is rising. Have a breakfast picnic, then fall asleep together. Bring a sun umbrella.

• Drive somewhere unknown and have dinner in a city you’ve never been to. With fake names.

• Go to a minor league baseball game under the stars. Tell each other stories about how bad you are at athletics. Randomly cheer for both teams. Eat lots of Cracker Jacks.

• Walk around a city and perform short silent plays in front of security cameras

• With camera and pair of boots, make photolog of a day in the life of the invisible man.

• Walk around the city all night and find a place to eat breakfast at dawn

• Rent a movie you’ve never seen before. Set on mute and improvise dialogue.

This is a tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be that they are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don’t give up on the first date, who don’t want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and supportive audience for a story they’ve heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren’t perfect and that the guys they’re interested in aren’t either, for the girl’s who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe, just maybe this time he’ll have understood. This is a homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more then they should for guys who don’t deserve their attention. This is for the girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from “there are plenty of fish in the sea” to “time heals all wounds.” This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it"

I found this on Rayych's blog, I liked it. It reminds me of a lot of friends, some parts myself. Interesting.

I still have my ring but I don't miss you~


See? You bought the perfect size too. It looks like I have a comb-over. I miss my long hair, damn.

Anyways, this past Sunday was amazing. I spent the day in Cleveland with Tim. It's something I really needed, I haven't been there in so long and it was nice to spend time with him before he leaves Friday. The art museum never gets old, and Tommy's food always seems to get better. Tonight is poker/movie night with him and Jess Fidelllll <3 God I love that girl, "danky". It's 9:30, I'm supposed to mosey on out at 10:00. Momma isn't home yet. Operation sneak is a no go. Not right now.

Why am I posting this, it's pointless. Ha, tomorrow I'll have something less personal. Prooooomise

Tim

You're a real good guy. I respect you a lot and I wish I knew you longer. You're moving to Denver on Thursday. Or Friday. Make up your mind? I'm going to miss the shit out of you. And I promise, yes I promise, once I stop being a baby about driving I'll come to Denver to see you. Until then stay you and I'll stay me. I wish you the best of luck.

Also, I think I'll play "Best I Ever Had" every time I'm at work just because you did. Ha. <3

You probably aren't reading this anyways, but I'll probably cry when you leave. Probably.

The best part is breathing in constantly

Can you feel it?
Can you hear it? I'm screamin'!

There's just something going on with me right now, I'm constantly singing and smiling. I can't even sit still. This is so bizaaaaaaaarre. Something has definitely gotten into me.

Hm. I haven't acted all cute like this in a long time. Someone tell me what's up.
Ha!

Oh I'm just so tired

alone
alone
alone
alone

Oh I'm just so tired

~

For better or for worse

I found your picture today, I was in it with you. And I re-read the letter you wrote once I got home. It was the first time in a long time that I felt so... empty? I'll be honest, I shed a few tears.

Weren't you afraid like I was? Going out and trying to find someone to take my place, someone to go through the same motions with, so they'd know you as well as I?

I'm still scared, I just want my heart back. I want to be able to give my all to someone later on down the road, without having to worry about you coming back around.

If I showed someone that picture today, they'd never guess we held on tight, and maybe not with arms at night. I'd have to tell them there was a connection there, a faulty one, but a connection nonetheless.

I can't remember the structure of your face, or how your voice sounded when you would be angry.

So for me, this is closure. This is me moving on. I'm a little wrinkled from the wash, but I'm alive and well.

Goodbye.

Die fighting*

I'd love those words inked onto my ribcage, within the next few weeks. I'm running out of patience here!

But for now I'll settle with a day in Coventry. I'd go to Tommy's for falafel, then Passport to Peru to replace this beautifully beaten moccasins. I'd go to the steps and have a cigarette, just because I can there. But I want this sweatshirt. I need another job, I don't have any money for Chicago saved up.

Early morning/late night Blackberry nonsense

My ears won't stop bleeding, it's making lying down extremely uncomfortable. I'll get some warm salt water to fix them, though. But not now.

I want Alpine to open

I want my tattoo

I want some coffee and a smooth

Should I re-evaluate my life? Make some adjustments?

I miss Summer, I miss Chicago, and I miss youuu, you, you, you. I decided not to call you anymore because whispered words into phone receivers don't seem real to me. I think I should wait. 1500 people are waiting, but it feels like I'm waiting the most. How vain of me to say, but I don't care. It's how I've been feeling.

I miss the stars and sneaking out.

It's four in the morning, I should be sleeping. Like normal people do. I think it would be nice if I was paired with another insomniac, it would make the night less lonely. But I enjoy the quiet, the time I actually get to breathe. I can't be any more contradictory if I tried. Ha!

I talked to Victor on Saturday about feelings. It's the only thing I remember before I blacked out. Apparently I said, "People think feelings are disturbing. It's like they're radios or unnecessarily warm jackets , people tune in when the listening is good and take them off when it's uncomfortable." It made sense at the time... not so much now, I suppose.

I'm not a wishful person, I wish I was.

Ohhhhh, the irony.

I don't remember what I posted last, something about a genuine reform? If I started to nurse my own wounds, and search for my own happiness instead of letting it dwell in others; would that be a genuine change?

Someone carve a name into me, a heart into me. Anything.

My mind is racing and I'm short of breath trying to keep up with it. This is fantastic. I'm coming back around.

I'm all over the place and tripping over my feet. I. Love. It.

I'm coming back around.

A Genuine Reform

Be aware that what you chase may not be worth catching.

If you cheat for it, you will come to resent it.

If you steal it, it will come to haunt you.

The sweetest things in my life were the most difficult to earn.

Blank

I'm not in the past trying to patch back things that haven't been ripped, nor am I in the future preparing myself for the heavy blow of reality that I've already taken. I'm right here. I'm not anticipating or dwelling, and I'm fine with that.

Through the yelling, laughing, crying, hugging, fighting, loving, chasing, protecting, falling I find myself just being. And I'm fine with that.

I've been lacking the motivation to put the pen to the fucking paper and write something of substance for a long time.

Which is odd, because my notebook is full.

Postscript; I'm getting my tattoo relatively soon. Not that you care, I'm just excited and thought I'd share it indirectly. :)

Another weekend

They are definitely slipping away from me, these little weekends.

Recap; Worked on Friday. Stayed at Vallie's with Nikkie, and hung out with Alicia and Taylor while there. We played Apples to Apples and I lost. Went home Saturday to clean and shower. Ida then picked me up and we sang/smoked all the way to Mentor. Guess who's quitting? Ha! I found a dress for my costume that was only five dollars. Drove back to Ida's, and I pierced her septum. It was perfectly straight, but the jewelry didn't fit. She also bought me gauges, I'm not too sure how big I'll stretch them. Not bigger than a 00, though. Then we drove to pick up Josh from work and go to Bro's house. Everything was perfectly chill until some dumb pregnant bitch walks into a room full of smoke, and says "No I don't care if my baby comes out mutated and addicted to nicotine it's totally fine, look see I don't care!" but she really said "No it's fine, you guys don't have to put anything out". Left at 10:30, got back to Ida's at 11:00 and watched Van Helsing. Fell asleep at 12:00, when Josh texted Ida to say Tony thinks I'm "dope". Awkward~ Ended up talking to him all day and I don't think I want to be jail-bait. Went to the mall again today, bought the dress, and went home for an hour. Went BACK to Mentor AGAIN for the third time for cape material. I didn't do homework because Maureen and Aunt Diane came over. I shouldn't be writing this I should be studying.

Falling asleep to Anthony Green and Good Old War tonight.

365

I MADE IT THROUGH THIS YEAR ALIVE, AND IT KILLS ME THAT YOU AREN'T AROUND TO SEE IT.

You just wanted to see me fall. I kept my heart alive and finished with my dignity.

I am not sorry, I am not sorry.

I forgot

I forgot how shitty not sleeping is,

and I forgot how much I enjoy A Weather. And Animal Collective,

along with other things, like macaroni and cheese.

I'm rambling, so I'm going to get ready for school.

Thank God it's Friday, yaknow?

In the air I flew

I have these dreamsss.

They're always beautiful, full of color and feeling. We're always talking, holding hands and having whisper wars; because it takes two to do all those things. We're at the park and your fingers play with my hat, while mine play with your shirt. I wake up, next to you. You hold me while your breathing lulls me back to sleep.

But then I wake up. And these dreams, they always feel like I'm looking at you for the first time in months. They're inconsequential but they make me sad.

These dreams.

+

I want you to understand my sense of humor, sing along with me in the car, and watch old movies; the good kind.

If you can do yoga, big plus.

Star watching is and has always been required, along with camping.

I don't care if you drink or smoke, and going to hookah every now and then would be wonderful.

Honestly, I want you to actually tell me if I look bad.

And I don't make promises, so let's hope you don't either.

D'aw yeah, that'd be nice for a change. Let's just see how this goes. :)

Finally, finally

I could not have said it better myself;

"It’s one of those deathcabforcutie play all coffee cigarettes clean make to do list kind of day. I just cannot bring myself to rid my life of my Sundays.

I’ve decided to take a break from my normal self. Let go of my heart. I’ve encountered so much heartbreak within the past year. Not even really with myself but with those I hold very close to my heart. We’re all so young, we’re doomed to be ripped apart a thousand times to really get to whats underneath it all. I’ve realized that I search so hard for something that if I had it — I can’t say with complete honesty that I’d know what to do with it.

I’ve noticed that the words “…I need to” or “I want to…” (fill in the blank with something I wish I could do) leave my mouth quite often. Thing’s I could do if I only directed more of my energy into that direction. Activities so small as really learning how to successfully use chopsticks. I look at the things that other people create and just wish I had that talent, that drive to do those same things — I am capable of doing them. I’d like to drink more tea, learn how to play the guitar, paint, devote so much more energy into studying. Plan my future endeavors and stick to them.

I get this way every now and again, and rarely stick to what I say — a quality I more than dislike about myself. I am beginning to understand that the only reason I am the way that I am is because I chose to be this way. I ultimately am the only person who can control those qualities I wish I had within myself. I have them, it’s just a matter of finding them. I need to solely make myself happy so I lose that need to find happiness for myself within others."

- Credit to Ida Delic.

My life has exponentially gotten better within the last, hour I want to say. Maybe two. I got the call that pulled me back from my distant daze. I have the person who has always meant so much to me back and I can't wait to start spending every day I have available with her. I can't express how sorry I am for being so stubborn and simply ridiculous. I'm more than thankful to be able to pick up where we left off and continue on from there.

i feel infinite

Weekend

I picked up Mike from Lyndhurst and he told me about Where The Wild Things Are. I taught my dad how to trim bonsai trees and he showed me how to fix a bike. I made soup and set up my computer. I took my dog for a walk and he didn't chew up my knit hats for once. I bought my mom coffee and she's ordering me Chinese food as I type. I went to work and then saw Paranormal Activity. I freaked out and held on to someone I didn't know for the whole movie. I tried Quaker Steak and Lube wings for the first time, and damn they're good. I stayed up until three doing homework. I applied at Alpine, and I'm about to go watch movies all night since I'm not going to school in the morning.

Loooooovely

I dare you to tell me this life is not wonderful

Waking up to find out you still have a few hours left to sleep,
feeling alive and infinite,
spending weekends with your best friend,
staying up to watch the sunrise,
taking long walks in the cold,
listening to music a little too loud,
driving around, writing everything down,
laying in the street looking up at the stars,
planning your future,
having little colds that make your voice sound funny,
ponytail holders; lots and lots of ponytail holders,
the smell of fall, having the winter wind go right through your body,
laughing so hard your ribs hurt, crying till you smile,
super big hugs that last forever, friends that will stick around for a lifetime,
coloring with chalk on the asphalt,
fries with hot sauce, macaroni and cheese with hot sauce, pizza with hot sauce,
EVERYTHING with hot sauce,
softball practices, painting your nails,
the beach at night, chai tea late with soy milk,
delicious ravioli's, walking around Coventry,
finding things to do that don't cost money,
baby Bits and her piercing paws,
very lazy Sundays,
peace of the mind.

LIVE A LITTLE

It's too cold

You’d think it would be easy for them to mark with red the cigarette that killed you so that you wouldn’t smoke it, the drink that does you in with a label cautioning you not to, the kiss that ends the world with flashing lights that spell out the words “Stay Away.

Holy chalk, this is too hard.

Ich vermisse dich.

Detox

Smoking and drinking is bad.
I'm unhealthy as it is.
This is pathetic. I'm cutting back on all this toxic bullshit, watch me!

Chalk, this is going to be interesting...

Well our love is universal~

To think that someone built these roads between us. Cutting mountains, and crossing rivers. Connecting things that aren't supposed to be connected.

And then there was one

FUCKING A. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
WOWWWWWOWOWOWOWOOWOWOWOW.

I can't even talk.
Totally just burnt that bridge; two down, hopefully the last one will stay.
I'm staying calm, Adam and Jenna said everything happens for a reason.

I wish there was a rewind button on my life, because I've been fucking up a whole lot.

Explosions In The Sky will help me drift off to sleep.

I miss you already. I missed you even when I was with you. That’s been my problem. I miss what I already have, and I surround myself with things that are missing.

I never stop wanting

God, the days just run together. My concept of time is so way off.

It's October, I don't want it to be October. It'll be one year, on the 25th. I'm a mess just thinking about it. I just want to mean something to someone like I did before; instead of everyone else meaning everything to me.

I can't deal with this, I'm going to have a cigarette and further contemplate why I'm not satisfied. Ha. What a solution.

I need to stop making this blog a fucking diary, I'm pathetic. <3

Dear Child

I'll stick with hot chocolate, for now.

I took my dog for a walk today, something I never do, and I realize how easy his role in life is.
If I were an animal I would want to be my yorkie bichon, Peter Parker.
He's spoiled, adorable, and a pain in the ass; but he makes me happy nonetheless.
I just want to make people happy. Simple as that.

The sky might fall

Nothing makes much sense anymore.
Day after day, so mundane and offbeat.
I have cabin fever... in my own fucking mind.
Nothing makes much sense anymore.
Just cigarettes and Kid Cudi.

Ich bin krank

So here is a compilation of good music, that I've posted here so I can listen to it later :)

Orange Fanta

I miss everyone and everything that "happened" to me this past summer.

I'm sitting here, sipping on an Orange Fanta I cannot taste, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that a bottle of soda can arouse enough of a thought that I feel nostalgic.

I miss the friends I had, the laughs we shared, and the effort that we put into making each other feel on top of the world. And naturally - simply because it's me - I lost all those people.

I need it to be 2011, I need to graduate, and I need get out of Cleveland. I need it. All of it. Now.

Chicago, July 2009.
Not the best picture, I just printed it out at Drug Mart because I lost my memory card scanner and so on. But it will do.

That hiatus couldn't last,

and I wish eveeeeerything was that simple.

On hiatus

I'm becoming one hundred percent unreachable for the next week, effective tomorrow. I will not be on myspace/facebook nor will I update my blog/twitter/answer my phone.

If you absolutely must talk to me, leave me a message and I'll get back to you once the week is up. Though, I can't think of any situation that could be so climacteric.

I'm just fed up with people taking me for granted, and not appreciating what I do for them everyday, basically.

No one will ever truly kill me, I will never truly die

"Cotton Candy Carousels"

I am alive, I am alive, I am alive! Thank God, I'm alive!

Grocery list

Stop dogging myself

Reach 50,000 words for Creative Writing Club

Stop burning bridges

Remember everyday that "right now" will very shortly be "back then"

Lose some weight for God sakes!

Hold a conversation without texting someone in the middle of it

Substitute "goodnight" for "goodbye"

Figure out why my past motives are un-clear

Listen to my body

Listen to someone else's body

Go a week without Subway

Believe in the smaller things of life

Weird?

Given the circumstances, I've been extremely optimistic.

I have nothing to say.

I need you more than ever

I hate seeing you lay in that hospital bed, and I hate you telling me you'll be okay. I especially hate not being able to fix any of this. I took you for granted, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I hate being pessimistic, but I guess right now I have a good fucking reason.

Not posting a thing until my great grandma is out of the hospital.

I realize this is settling

"Don't let them see you cry

When the dam breaks down and the city is covered in water
Cause I believe we fly
When the moon takes shape and I dose off, on your shoulders

I trust that you see it too

So breathe while you're alive
Let the big band play as you tap leather with your fingers
And I tried to write in style
But the words just come and I write them as soon as I see them

And I trust that you write them too
And I trust that you love me too"

Manchester Orchestra, I love you with my whole heart <3

I'm wearing comfy sweatpants while sipping on tea with honey. Today was good. No, today was great... Because; NDCL won against Benedictine, I strengthened my hate for chemistry, had a bitchin' time with Andrea, and realized I DO love you and I DO miss you.

Oh Thanksgiving break come sooner; New York bound.

I'm still all over the place, I can't keep up with myself

Final moments, not really

I'll be honest, I'm not upset that you left. The life you have is no one elses but your own and I would never even think of stopping you. I'm torn over this; how could you leave without at least saying goodbye? Nothing cordial, nothing at all, to be frank.

If I had the chance I'd do some things differently. And I'm deeply sorry for hurting you in the slightest bit. Really, I am. There was so much I had to tell you, so much I had to show you as well. Unfortunately I don't know how you feel now, or if you care about me as much as you did. I'd like to, though. God, what I'm trying to say is you fucking have me. All of me. Since day one, and it's driving me insane.

There's a fifty percent chance you'll read this, and there's another fifty percent that says you won't. I'm holding out on the half that says you will. But I can never be sure with you, and I miss that.

If you are I am too

"i am a man that does not have a way.millions of oceans can show me, you say. we still run around like there's no better way, and i don't stay.

so last night when you threw the glass on the wall,

you realized the end would be following.

you don't say what you mean when you need me to go.

so just know... out on the highway in the desert unknown.

i'll find a way to get back to you, though.

i still run around like i don't have a home cause even when i'm around,

i've got no place to go.

and i know i'm not what you need, but it's okay--yeah it's okay with me.

so how can i tell you i need you to stay? i've done it before, it don't mean anything.

and i still wait around to see if they'll let me go through heaven's doors, alone.

and i know i'm not what you need,

but it's okay--yeah it's okay with me.

yeah i realize it is settling,

but it's okay--yeah it's okay with me.

i'm not who i've led you to believe,

but it's okay--yeah it's okay with me.

yeah i realize it is settling,

but it's okay--yeah it's okay with me.

because you're the thing that makes settling,

so i'm okay with me, if you're okay with me.

cause i know you're not what i need,

but you're okay with me, yeah you're okay with me.

yeah you're okay with me"

I couldn't find a video for it, but I suggest listening to it.

Artist: Manchester Orchestra

Song: It's OK With Me

I don't know. But lately it seems like that's my situation with everyone. I'm not close enough, pretty enough, smart enough, tall enough, skinny enough ET FUCKING CETRA. I'm not just talking about guys, girls too. I'm not "worthy" enough to be their friend. And everyone wonders why I hate people. Seriously, if you all came down of your high horse and pulled your head out of your ass, maybe you'd realize you aren't perfect yourself? Humans are not all beautiful beings. We're a lying, selfish, money and power hungry species. The majority, that is. But I mean, GOD FORBID ANYONE HAVE A HEART NOW-A-DAYS. I don't know, I'm all over the place. And this doesn't make sense.

Also, listen to these songs;

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTqVG1wj6kk
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJQfUow1Ruo
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lax1eG6rYQw

Or every song by them, it's well worth it.

I'm such a softie

"Haley,

School started Friday. And honestly, it kind of sucked. It was good to see some people, but I wanted you there with me. And of course, I saw a good deal of shitty people who I would have loved making fun of with you. (I'm pretty sure Corinne hates me.) But I don't like her so life's fair.

You made my sophomore year so special. My life really turned around last year. For the first time in a long time I realized that I was capable of academic success. And now I want to go to medical school. So you know what? I think everyone should give school a second chance. But it was truly your encouragement and smiling face that helped me get there. (Along with Telly, Emma and Julie.) If you didn't know already freshman year I was incredibly overwhelmed with school and my social life and everything. My brother had left for OSU and I was left to handle my parents alone. My mom was very depressed. (Probably because Will had left. He's kind of the peace-maker.) And because of that, I became depressed too. But that year wasn't all horrible. I vividly remember becoming friends with you during dramatic arts. That class sucked. But I thought you were such a gem. And I suppose my instincts have always been good because we ended up being closer than close. And you know what? I drifted from a few people sophomore year but none of them measure up to an ounce of the fucking fantastic person you are. I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything, or anyone.

I hope NDCL is a good match for you. I don't blame you for leaving Regina, really. To be honest I would have my ass out of there as well but there really isn't anywhere else to go. The Cleveland Heights public school is shitty. And Beaumont would be even worse. But keep your eyes open for man candy for me. ;) Even though I have my eye on somebody right now. I have no idea what's gonna happen with it though..prob nothing. But maybe I'll be surprised. ;)

Anyway, I know this is quite long. And it's not like I expect you to reply to my sudden urge to babble and be sentimental for once. But I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me. I love you so much, Haley. I would do anything for you. And I'm not kidding. If you ever need anything, big or small, I'll do it for you. If you need a ride, or can't go home for some reason, please remember I'm here and I won't let you down. Hell, if you need a hit-man you know my digits! :P But really. You're amazing at all times, with or without a boy. You're also beautiful, and I hope you have the strength to eat properly. I know I sound like a mom or something saying that, but every girl has body issues. But we have to get over them and remember to eat and be happy and just live life with a smile on our face. (It takes more muscles to frown than smile!!) And remember, through everything, through the boys who never really cared, through the friends who lied about who they were, we'll always have each other. Haley. Ellen. And maybe some hot sauce. We have a special bond, I really think so. You'll always be one of the very most important people in my life. As a best friend. And more importantly, as a sister.

Stay Strong. If you will, I will.

Love always,
Ellen. (:

PS: I know Miriam is here, but we'll need some Haley and Ellen time very soon."

My response? I cried like a baby, ha. I'm very touchy lately. Anyways;

I HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL FRIENDS INSIDE AND OUT, EVERYTHING I AM I OWE TO THEM