Changed the locks

"leaving is not enough; you must
stay gone. train your heart
like a dog. change the locks
even on the house he’s never
visited. you lucky, lucky girl.
you have an apartment
just your size. a bathtub
full of tea. a heart the size
of Arizona, but not nearly
so arid. don’t wish away
your cracked past, your
crooked toes, your problems
are papier mache puppets
you made or bought because the vendor
at the market was so compelling you just
had to have them. you had to have him.
and you did. and now you pull down
the bridge between your houses,
you make him call before
he visits, you take a lover
for granted, you take
a lover who looks at you
like maybe you are magic. make
the first bottle you consume
in this place a relic. place it
on whatever altar you fashion
with a knife and five cranberries.
don’t lose too much weight.
stupid girls are always trying
to disappear as revenge. and you
are not stupid. you loved a man
with more hands than a parade
of beggars, and here you stand. heart
like a four-poster bed. heart like a canvas.
heart leaking something so strong
they can smell it in the street"

I just need to get this out;

Before the end of 2009, I could not harbor a hatred for anyone who had crossed my path in a vile way. I didn't have it in me, my heart was too big and my head was too far up my ass to know any better. But you, haha, oh YOU. You tore me apart. Into a million little pieces and set them on fire. You watched me burn, you let the life drain out of my eyes. I feel like such a sap for crying about this while putting it down but I had to; I NEED this final closure. I'm sorry, but did you know I didn't sleep for months? Did you know how many weeks I had starved myself because the thought of your voice, your lips, made me weak? Even when I found someone new, you weaseled your way back into my life somehow. It took me a heart-wrenching three months (which, in retrospect, doesn't seem so long) to get over you. But three words was all it took to pull me back, I feel pathetic for falling for it. How could I have been so naive? I knew your game, I knew it well. But was it that little bubble that made my voice crack, whenever I whispered I was okay? Did I want that gone? It spread through me like wild fire and I could just feel myself falling back to you, deeper, and deeper with each word you uttered. I can't say it felt right, at any point in our relationship. Your words struck me like cold water and needles and I loved you too much. "Leave him, you can do so much better" I've said it to others myself, but looking at it from my perspective at the time; that never helped. How could I do better if while I was giving my all, and even that wasn't enough? For two years I knew your name, your favorite foods, knew what would make you angry, knew when you were lying to me. For all that pain you put me through, I can honestly say I love seeing you crumble. You're helpless, and I'm getting a sick pleasure out of watching you squirm. I'm gone, I've been gone. You never knew me, you never cared to either. I've said this before, but your cruel antics to try and take me from the beautiful frequency I have now has finally set things straight. I hate you, I can't say that for anyone else in this world. You broke my trust, my hope, my heart. There is more than enough room for you in this life of mine, but I could not and would not ever invite you back into it. Excuse me for being rash, but I hope you get stuck with someone just like you. I want to see your light burn out just as you watched the waves crash down on me. Too far, too far gone.