I need you more than ever

I hate seeing you lay in that hospital bed, and I hate you telling me you'll be okay. I especially hate not being able to fix any of this. I took you for granted, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I hate being pessimistic, but I guess right now I have a good fucking reason.

Not posting a thing until my great grandma is out of the hospital.

I realize this is settling

"Don't let them see you cry

When the dam breaks down and the city is covered in water
Cause I believe we fly
When the moon takes shape and I dose off, on your shoulders

I trust that you see it too

So breathe while you're alive
Let the big band play as you tap leather with your fingers
And I tried to write in style
But the words just come and I write them as soon as I see them

And I trust that you write them too
And I trust that you love me too"

Manchester Orchestra, I love you with my whole heart <3

I'm wearing comfy sweatpants while sipping on tea with honey. Today was good. No, today was great... Because; NDCL won against Benedictine, I strengthened my hate for chemistry, had a bitchin' time with Andrea, and realized I DO love you and I DO miss you.

Oh Thanksgiving break come sooner; New York bound.

I'm still all over the place, I can't keep up with myself

Final moments, not really

I'll be honest, I'm not upset that you left. The life you have is no one elses but your own and I would never even think of stopping you. I'm torn over this; how could you leave without at least saying goodbye? Nothing cordial, nothing at all, to be frank.

If I had the chance I'd do some things differently. And I'm deeply sorry for hurting you in the slightest bit. Really, I am. There was so much I had to tell you, so much I had to show you as well. Unfortunately I don't know how you feel now, or if you care about me as much as you did. I'd like to, though. God, what I'm trying to say is you fucking have me. All of me. Since day one, and it's driving me insane.

There's a fifty percent chance you'll read this, and there's another fifty percent that says you won't. I'm holding out on the half that says you will. But I can never be sure with you, and I miss that.

If you are I am too

"i am a man that does not have a way.millions of oceans can show me, you say. we still run around like there's no better way, and i don't stay.

so last night when you threw the glass on the wall,

you realized the end would be following.

you don't say what you mean when you need me to go.

so just know... out on the highway in the desert unknown.

i'll find a way to get back to you, though.

i still run around like i don't have a home cause even when i'm around,

i've got no place to go.

and i know i'm not what you need, but it's okay--yeah it's okay with me.

so how can i tell you i need you to stay? i've done it before, it don't mean anything.

and i still wait around to see if they'll let me go through heaven's doors, alone.

and i know i'm not what you need,

but it's okay--yeah it's okay with me.

yeah i realize it is settling,

but it's okay--yeah it's okay with me.

i'm not who i've led you to believe,

but it's okay--yeah it's okay with me.

yeah i realize it is settling,

but it's okay--yeah it's okay with me.

because you're the thing that makes settling,

so i'm okay with me, if you're okay with me.

cause i know you're not what i need,

but you're okay with me, yeah you're okay with me.

yeah you're okay with me"

I couldn't find a video for it, but I suggest listening to it.

Artist: Manchester Orchestra

Song: It's OK With Me

I don't know. But lately it seems like that's my situation with everyone. I'm not close enough, pretty enough, smart enough, tall enough, skinny enough ET FUCKING CETRA. I'm not just talking about guys, girls too. I'm not "worthy" enough to be their friend. And everyone wonders why I hate people. Seriously, if you all came down of your high horse and pulled your head out of your ass, maybe you'd realize you aren't perfect yourself? Humans are not all beautiful beings. We're a lying, selfish, money and power hungry species. The majority, that is. But I mean, GOD FORBID ANYONE HAVE A HEART NOW-A-DAYS. I don't know, I'm all over the place. And this doesn't make sense.

Also, listen to these songs;

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTqVG1wj6kk
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJQfUow1Ruo
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lax1eG6rYQw

Or every song by them, it's well worth it.

I'm such a softie

"Haley,

School started Friday. And honestly, it kind of sucked. It was good to see some people, but I wanted you there with me. And of course, I saw a good deal of shitty people who I would have loved making fun of with you. (I'm pretty sure Corinne hates me.) But I don't like her so life's fair.

You made my sophomore year so special. My life really turned around last year. For the first time in a long time I realized that I was capable of academic success. And now I want to go to medical school. So you know what? I think everyone should give school a second chance. But it was truly your encouragement and smiling face that helped me get there. (Along with Telly, Emma and Julie.) If you didn't know already freshman year I was incredibly overwhelmed with school and my social life and everything. My brother had left for OSU and I was left to handle my parents alone. My mom was very depressed. (Probably because Will had left. He's kind of the peace-maker.) And because of that, I became depressed too. But that year wasn't all horrible. I vividly remember becoming friends with you during dramatic arts. That class sucked. But I thought you were such a gem. And I suppose my instincts have always been good because we ended up being closer than close. And you know what? I drifted from a few people sophomore year but none of them measure up to an ounce of the fucking fantastic person you are. I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything, or anyone.

I hope NDCL is a good match for you. I don't blame you for leaving Regina, really. To be honest I would have my ass out of there as well but there really isn't anywhere else to go. The Cleveland Heights public school is shitty. And Beaumont would be even worse. But keep your eyes open for man candy for me. ;) Even though I have my eye on somebody right now. I have no idea what's gonna happen with it though..prob nothing. But maybe I'll be surprised. ;)

Anyway, I know this is quite long. And it's not like I expect you to reply to my sudden urge to babble and be sentimental for once. But I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me. I love you so much, Haley. I would do anything for you. And I'm not kidding. If you ever need anything, big or small, I'll do it for you. If you need a ride, or can't go home for some reason, please remember I'm here and I won't let you down. Hell, if you need a hit-man you know my digits! :P But really. You're amazing at all times, with or without a boy. You're also beautiful, and I hope you have the strength to eat properly. I know I sound like a mom or something saying that, but every girl has body issues. But we have to get over them and remember to eat and be happy and just live life with a smile on our face. (It takes more muscles to frown than smile!!) And remember, through everything, through the boys who never really cared, through the friends who lied about who they were, we'll always have each other. Haley. Ellen. And maybe some hot sauce. We have a special bond, I really think so. You'll always be one of the very most important people in my life. As a best friend. And more importantly, as a sister.

Stay Strong. If you will, I will.

Love always,
Ellen. (:

PS: I know Miriam is here, but we'll need some Haley and Ellen time very soon."

My response? I cried like a baby, ha. I'm very touchy lately. Anyways;

I HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL FRIENDS INSIDE AND OUT, EVERYTHING I AM I OWE TO THEM

Some real shit

I'm out of words for today, I feel like a rollercoaster

Finally?

I FEEL CONTENTMENT! ... I think?

Today was my first day at a new school, I did faaaaantastic if I do say so myself. I wasn't too quiet and I mustered up enough courage to introduce myself to my new teachers, staff, and classmates (only because; I got lost once or twice, wasn't given a locker or handbook, wasn't assigned an activity block or given my lunch card). I love all my classes, with the exception of algebra 2 for obvious reasons. Blah blah a lot happened today and if you have a question ask it.

After that Alyssa, Andrea and I drove to McDonald's because they were starving and I wanted tea. So we're driving and we turn down Opalocka to see if she'd follow us or if she'd just meet us at McDonald's. She didn't follow us, unfortunately. We really thought she'd do it, but apparently she knows where McDonald's in Chesterland is. They get their food, I get my tea, all is well. AND WHILE I WAS THERE I FOUND SOMEONE TO TAKE THESE FUCKING HAMSTERS. God, Nick dropped them here three weeks ago and I'm sick of them. The cedar wood smells, the wheel makes too much noise, and their genitalia is just abnormally large for hamsters. Needless to say I won't worry about them anymore :)

So I go home after that, and of course I must go straight to work. I was excited for it because Sarah and Crystal would be there. Crystal and I are just a bunch of pimps with no hoes, lookin' for a place to keep our ghetto selves for the night. She honestly makes work a fun place to be, and she's the only waitress I'd go to the zoo with. If you're reading this, you must meet her. Come in to Cleats on a Thursday or Saturday and ask for CRYSTAL. If her section is full, wait. My cousin came in and I "hooked him up" (50% your meal, I can do that). Considering I haven't seen him in months, he's always working. Blah that was my work day.

BEST PART BEST PART....

Ida came over for like, .4060438634 seconds. And she gave me a be-lated birthday present with a note. The gift was a beautiful necklace from Nordstrom's, which happens to be my favorite store to purchase jewelry from, and it's a double fold that's green. I'm. In. Love. With. It.

(Camera phone quality, what's up? I love my bedding, BTW.)

So there's a note that went along with it that says;

"Haley, sorry this took so long. But I love you so much. You're the most amazing friend a girl could ask for. Thank you so much for always being there for me. You have a great heart and I'm so lucky to know you"

Tell me that isn't the greatest thing a best friend could say and you're stupid.

You are my best friend. We have our hard times. We have our good times. Like every relationship. But I found the one person who will stand by my side through everything, even if I'm wrong. I owe her the world, and I love her to death. I trust her with everything, there's nothing about me she doesn't know. It's a good feeling, knowing you give your all to someone and they're going to give you 110% back. She doesn't ask for much, just that I'm there for her. I may not have much, but I'd trade it ALL for her. Ida Lena Delic, you Nazi, you're my best friend.

I realize that I need you

It's truuuuuuuuue

Nothing clever

The day before summer started I wrote a list of things to accomplish;

1. Learn "responsibility" by getting a job
2. Learn to forget, because I already know how to forgive
3. Work at being nicer to those I'm not fond of
4. Five pounds, keep them. I like my curves
5. Patience is a virtue, I want to have it
6. Write you a letter, maybe even put little hearts above the "i's"
7. Go fishing, it's been seven years
8. Figure out why I'm so gosh darn lucky
9. Find a new chain for this locket
10. My sanity, keep a grasp on it
11. Apologize

..... I only did numbers one and six! And six doesn't even count, because you won't be getting the letter anyways.
Instead, I did so much more. I; got mono, went to Chicago, roamed Cleveland, lost my faith in humanity, let things go, got addicted to cigarettes, didn't go to Germany, found out twitter isn't all that bad, SORT OF GOT A TAN, shared my true emotions, figured out what I'll be majoring in, wrote a list of fifty things no one knows about me, and rode my bike everyday.
Looking back, I am more than happy with how my summer turned out. Everyday was beautiful and appreciated.
Needless to say I'm entering the school year with a huge smile on my face~

Torrential downpour

Wild, this whole situation is wild.

"I really wish I could give up on you, you're not what I need but everything I want. I NEED to give up on you. But that's not happening anytime soon"

The first kid I ever loved said that to me three months after he tore my heart to shreds. I didn't understand it at the time, it was almost as if I had beeen kindly slapped across the face. I couldn't grasp why someone could ever give up on someone they felt so strongly for, someone they love.

NOW I GET IT. You can't make people do what you want them to, that's common sense I know. But you also can't keep chasing after someone that doesn't want to be chased.

I've been thinking about that a lot, and I am just now coming to terms with it; so I'll let you go. If you "come back", decide to return my calls, or see me before you go I'll be happy. If not, I'll understand.

Short and sweet

I am entirely made of flaws that are stitched together by good intentions, and dressed in the promises of yesterday.

I don't appreciate

people with crooked teeth sunburn

beds too big for one person not having anyone to share that too big of a bed with

old friends that DGAF when your dog chews your knit beret

a summer that drags on knowing when people lose feelings

being ignored being sick

broken blackberry ): messy handwriting

short hair bracelets

styrofoam spiders, big or small

meaning nothing to anyone everyone meaning everything to me

not seeing you losing the ones I love

insomnia not knowing what to do

sinking hearts racing minds

upward inflections when people ask me what kind of music I enjoy

My Julie

"Haley- I’ve known you since preschool, even though we didn’t know it then, but we did. That’s crazy. Freshman year we weren't friends, but sophomore year, I couldn’t imagine anyone else being there for me like you were. We’ve gone through the same problems, our dads, our eating, our anxiety, and our depression, etc etc. It makes me so happy that I can always listen and try to make things better for you. When you broke down at softball, I was hurting so bad. Seeing my good friend sob so hard was almost self destructing. We then escaped to the crevaces of Regina and stole a whole pizza and two bags of chips. We never ate that much at Regina combined. ahhaha. You’re an awesome friend , I’m so glad I got to know you better. I must say, you and telly are going to be the ones I miss the most. I was prepared for telly to leave. But not you Haley. I’ll miss you dearly."

Dearest Julie,

Words can't explain how much that means to me. I consider you one of my best friends and I always will. This past year has been one of the hardest, and having someone who understands where I'm coming from so clearly puts me at ease. That day at softball I caved in out of nowhere and I'm truly sorry for that. You didn't need that, but you were there for me and I wish more people could see how beautiful you really are. After eating that ridiculous amount of pizza and chips I felt better, it was almost like comfort food. And maybe not eating for a week was a contributing factor, but that's all under control now. If you're reading this, I hope you know I'm always going to pick you back up when you fall. I'll protect you with everything I've got, I love you, Julie. Everything works out in the end, stay strong.

Sincerely your pre-school buddy,

Haley

The nerve of it all

I think that picture perfectly depicts what I've wanted to say. Not just to you, but a few others. You all know who you are, but you all have forgotten. It's a shame.

Hello, I promise I'll be real strong

For starters, I was one of the least religious people to exist. I did believe in God, but mainly because it was something thrust upon me, like "here, this is your faith, this is not your decision. now smile and look happy, he's watching."

Today, August 12th, 2009; my life has taken a turn for the better.

What happened;

I was sitting with Team Victorious Secret(my water wars team, clever name copliments of Valerie) listening to Adam's message. Today he talked about no matter how dirty you've been in your life, there's always a second chance. Basically, you could be a homeless, heroin addicted hooker and God will welcome you back with open arms and tell you he loves you. That hit me harder than a brick wall. We were then asked to stand if we wanted to accept Jesus into our life, I of course stood. After the message, we were invited to pray with one of the group leaders. It really felt like I could not reach Val fast enough, and as soon as I did I sobbed. I cried my poor little heart out, not because I was sad; no. I was so moved standing there, I was in awe. I've never felt so pulled toward God ever. Even now I'm left speechless.

So here's how things are going to change;

I'm done making selfish decisions, and choices I'll regret later on in my life. If people are going to look at me as a Christian, how are they going to see God in me through my poor choices? They won't, that's my point. So if you're reading this, help me with this. It's going to take a lot for me to change for the better and I want you to support me.

All I'm asking for is some respect. Respect for myself, respect for my faith. If you can't offer that, no hard feelings. I just won't need you like I thought I did.

Holy shit

I slept last night!@#$ And school starts in t-minus nine days...

I'm going to be a junior, I'm almost done with high school. I feel sick thinking of it.

I don't want to go off to college, I don't want to say goodbye, there's just a lot of things I don't want to do.

If people would comply with my selfish and irrational behavior lately I might not feel so anxious.

Don't do it, it was a bad joke. I need someone to keep me grounded.

Reflections

My insomnia has kicked me in the ass, really, really hard this past month. I definitely thought I had my sleeping patterns under control. Guess not!

EH.

Basics; while everyone is sleeping I've been thinking about how much my family means to me. I wouldn't be half the person I am today without them. I've never met such a lively, obnoxious, loving or supportive group of people in my life. I owe them so much, and I'd do anything and everything for them. I finally know who I would die for~

If we ever make a mess...






















...I'll do anything for you

Closure

I look back at you, and feel I should save you. But you know, you deserve to suffer. I have found the surface, and you're still drowning.

What I want

...probably won't happen

Fact over Fiction

My heart is an empty mass of cells. Nothing more, nothing less. It pumps the blood through my veins, and it does its job well. My brain is my most valuable possesion, it holds everything I have to give.

Give me some credit

I'm new at this.

R.I.P livejournal, you won't be missed.

Postscript; if you see something on here from livejournal it's because I liked it enough to post it here. Not that anyone read it anyway, so I won't flatter myself too much.