Nothing is really what it seems anymore, no one notices the real and the fake because we mold them into one. God damn, I can't tell you how true that is. I update tumblr more. I'm stuck.
It's my birthday weekend. Last two nights were a blur but I've got some bug bites and scuffed knees reminding me I went out.
Why am I always standing up for you, kid? I hate when people call you a douche bag because they don't know you like I do. You're such a public being, and I can tell you keep most close; I'll never know it all.
Ugh, no one reads this. But I'll continue regardless.
I'm Haley, I'm now seventeen and I write because I don't have a reason.
It used to be about keeping myself busy, lately it's more keeping myself sane and present.
I can't help it, but I get lonely; I don't have things to touch, taste, break in pieces.
I'm human, there's beauty in that but few take notice.
Time just goes on, I can't wait for the day where it'll stop for me.
Just remembered: time is never taken, given, or borrowed.
And it sure as Hell won't wait for me, it's nice to pretend, though.
I'm still pretty young, making excuses, I still can.
It'd be nice if you took the time to get to know me, I'm not all I'm cracked up to be.
I'm over high school, I just want my city.
Liberation
Drifting floating through my mind mind mind. Doors swing open and I don't need help holdin' them because I've learned how over time.
Hushed voices after dark. Words don't say much of anything because my eyes are yelling about directions to my blue and red lined diagrammed heart. I'm hoping you read it, because few want to know me, know what's real and embrace understanding.
I'm all over the place, pronounced and my tendency is to be messy. I can't really blame them, back when my ego kept me "above" all else. My mind had set itself on that they were thinking I was too busy being busy but the whispers were nice.
People don't think I mean what I say. I mean what I say.
Don't listen to me, look at me. Ironic because I've come to hate the drawing crowd, I'm giving them their moneys worth.
LISTENING TO; HER MORNING ELEGENCE - OREN LAVIE
I couldn't stop complaining about how I had been staring at a blank page for the longest time, nothing to write, nothing to say; oh that was all bullshit! I got this, I got this.
Re
named that tumblr I have, ergo, the link is different.
http://stopallclocks.tumblr.com/
I prefer the way tumblr is set up, check on that blog more often for life updates : )
http://stopallclocks.tumblr.com/
I prefer the way tumblr is set up, check on that blog more often for life updates : )
.
Take me there. I can't write lately and I'm so wrapped up in the wind carrying me away. I said I wanted to grow up and be happy, unfortunately I'm there and I'm not sure what else to strive for.
Precious
“My wife & I have a daughter. We are the loving type of parents who let their children dress themselves”
Umbrella
So New York was fun, Chicago is still way b e t t e r, and that's all I have to say.
http://haleylion.tumblr.com/
http://haleylion.tumblr.com/
^ hit those up
"I get the feeling that this boat is about to sink ‘cause it can’t float and I get the feeling that we’re close to the end of the pain that we all know. Well, if I gave you a few words to show my most genuine emotion, they would not describe the way I feel inside actually, you would have to experience an explosion. So I, just learn to control ‘em. Keep my spirit high, keep my kundalini flowing through the seven-point chakra system from my toes to the top of my head and in between my shoulders. If you don’t know, then you probably can’t focus on nothing but the TV so your mind ain’t yours. You’re getting lied to and you don’t even know it, damn. The youth so blind, but they eyes wide open"
- Bobby Ray
I know where to start for once
I was told to write an autobiography, something I had thought about for the absolute longest time, and now I've been asked. I'm going to start on it tonight. I have the energy for it, I want to stay up up up all night night night. I can't begin to explain how badly I love to reiterate certain words words words. I am equipped with music and my dire need to let things be known. I can post it in pieces, and once more all together. Wish me luck!
close
Text note, racing mind, nothing said.
Short phrase, tear-filled eyes, walk away.
Get up, run, persuade.
Whisper, yell, at a stand still.
Mind stops, heart accelerates, please.
Closer, closer, hold.
Ramble, lips hushed, kiss.
Pinky promise from Ohio to a beach somewhere.
Short phrase, tear-filled eyes, walk away.
Get up, run, persuade.
Whisper, yell, at a stand still.
Mind stops, heart accelerates, please.
Closer, closer, hold.
Ramble, lips hushed, kiss.
Pinky promise from Ohio to a beach somewhere.
God dammit, I love the hell out of you.
Sappy, lately
I find myself constantly engullfed in this computer lately. Re-reading Vladimir Nabokov, and E.E. Cummings simply because I don't feel like leaving my room. I wish my mom allowed me to smoke freely, just a passing thought because of this rain. Tumblr, I'm always looking at the same tumblrs, though I don't read the same text over. Still not sleeping as I should, but at least I'm dreaming. There's a bag of Malley's Chocolate Malt Eggs.... I'm trying SO hard to not eat them. I'm listening to Isles and Glaciers, they sound a lot like a Chiodos and Pierce the Veil hybrid. I like them nonetheless. While being absent-minded today I stumbled across something extremely interesting; and artist had found a way to imprint a BREATH onto a copper plate. How remarkable is that? Thinking about a lot. Chance, for example. Life is left up to chance, or fate, if you will. Life cannot be controlled, or personalized despite common belief. It's determined and arranged as to where your pieces fall. And that in itself, is also remarkable.
There isn't enough hate in this world to bring me down.
There isn't enough hate in this world to bring me down.
Awake,
Come one, come all, I want to see what you're made of. Is your skin as thick as you say it is, or can I peel it away like an orange? What put you together like this, so destructible? You said you'd haunt me for years but I'm waiting, waiting, waiting. Knock on wood.
You can't stop me. I breathe in and I breathe out and this is the new me.
You can't stop me. I breathe in and I breathe out and this is the new me.
WHAT MOVIE IS THIS FROM!?
HARPER: People who are lonely, people left alone, sit talking nonsense to the air, imagining… beautiful systems dying, old fixed orders spiraling apart… …everywhere, things are collapsing, lies surfacing, systems of defense giving way…This is why, this is why I shouldn’t be left alone. People are like planets, you need a thick skin. Things get to me. Well look. My dreams are talking back to me… I’m undecided. In the whole entire world, you are the only person, the only person I love or have ever loved. And I love you terribly. Terribly. That’s what’s so awfully, irreducibly real. I can make up anything but I can’t dream that away…
JOE: I’m not going to leave you, Harper.
HARPER: Well maybe not. But I’m going to leave you.
Doug(las)
I can't help but miss you all the time. Almost two years and I still look at that little black hat and smile, you still call me Haleyjane when everyone else let it die out. You're roughly 456 miles away yet I can't understand why I'm still in this state. I know as soon as I put my pen down someone is picking up theirs. The letters I've written you are for you and no one else.
But lately I'm at an apathetic loss of words; my paragraphs turn into cages, each sentence a bar, each word another lock.
I want to tell you anything and everything, I just have to escape myself first.
But lately I'm at an apathetic loss of words; my paragraphs turn into cages, each sentence a bar, each word another lock.
I want to tell you anything and everything, I just have to escape myself first.
Love things like this
1. If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side.
2. If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
3. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
4. Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it.
5. The Mercedes-Benz motto is “Das Beste oder Nichts” meaning “the best or nothing”.
6. The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.
7. The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at something pleasing.
8. The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.
9. Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.
10. The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
11. Dalmatians are born without spots.
12. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
13. The ‘v’ in the name of a court case does not stand for ‘versus’, but for ‘and’ (in civil proceedings) or ‘against’ (in criminal proceedings).
14. Men’s shirts have the buttons on the right, but women’s shirts have the buttons on the left.
15. The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink. All other birds raise their lower eyelids.
16. The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it’s already been digested by a bee.
17. Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks.
18. The color blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to release calming hormones.
19. Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die.
20. Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart.
21. The verb “cleave” is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
22. When you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red.
23. When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
24. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle was built in 1903, and used a tomato can for a carburetor.
25. The lion that roars in the MGM logo is named Volney.
26. Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros.
27. Switching letters is called spoonerism. For example, saying jag of Flapan, instead of flag of Japan.
28. It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it.
29. The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples.
30. There are 1,792 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
31. The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.
32. Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death.
33. It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body.
34. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
35. Most soccer players run 7 miles in a game.
36. The only part of the body that has no blood supply is the cornea in the eye. It takes in oxygen directly from the air.
37. Every day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are born, and 140,000 people die.
38. In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch is 10:10 because then the arms frame the brand of the watch (and make it look like it
is smiling).
39. Colgate faced big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries. Colgate translates into the command “go hang yourself.”
40. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning its head are the rabbit and the parrot.
41. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
42. The average person laughs 13 times a day.
43. Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys?
They are: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru (Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Speak no evil)
44. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
45. German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog.
46. Large kangaroos cover more than 30 feet with each jump.
47. Whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound.
48. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
49. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural cause.
50. The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet!!
2. If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
3. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
4. Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it.
5. The Mercedes-Benz motto is “Das Beste oder Nichts” meaning “the best or nothing”.
6. The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.
7. The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at something pleasing.
8. The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.
9. Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.
10. The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
11. Dalmatians are born without spots.
12. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
13. The ‘v’ in the name of a court case does not stand for ‘versus’, but for ‘and’ (in civil proceedings) or ‘against’ (in criminal proceedings).
14. Men’s shirts have the buttons on the right, but women’s shirts have the buttons on the left.
15. The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink. All other birds raise their lower eyelids.
16. The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it’s already been digested by a bee.
17. Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks.
18. The color blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to release calming hormones.
19. Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die.
20. Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart.
21. The verb “cleave” is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
22. When you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red.
23. When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
24. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle was built in 1903, and used a tomato can for a carburetor.
25. The lion that roars in the MGM logo is named Volney.
26. Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros.
27. Switching letters is called spoonerism. For example, saying jag of Flapan, instead of flag of Japan.
28. It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it.
29. The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples.
30. There are 1,792 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
31. The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.
32. Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death.
33. It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body.
34. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
35. Most soccer players run 7 miles in a game.
36. The only part of the body that has no blood supply is the cornea in the eye. It takes in oxygen directly from the air.
37. Every day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are born, and 140,000 people die.
38. In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch is 10:10 because then the arms frame the brand of the watch (and make it look like it
is smiling).
39. Colgate faced big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries. Colgate translates into the command “go hang yourself.”
40. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning its head are the rabbit and the parrot.
41. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
42. The average person laughs 13 times a day.
43. Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys?
They are: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru (Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Speak no evil)
44. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
45. German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog.
46. Large kangaroos cover more than 30 feet with each jump.
47. Whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound.
48. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
49. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural cause.
50. The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet!!
Only weakness is _____
The thing is, I won my first game of hide and seek when I was very little. You looked for hours and upon my finding I just smiled. I couldn't help it, you were part of me yet you didn't know me at all. That's what my smile said, kind of sort of, but it did. I've become so good at this; hiding, concealing, avoiding, keeping my mind on lock. But see the thing is this, you do know me. You do, you do, you do. You know there's love bursting from my heart and words spilling out of my mouth but you know I'm afraid of letting things out. Letting someone see my cards, nearly terrifies me; I get pushed but I always get even. I've always turned into that someone you miss.
Couldn't agree more
"This probably seems extreme. We live in an environment where the idea that children are indebted to their parents for housing food clothing health care education toys etc. is taken in with every breath. Children are expected to be at the very least appropriately grateful for their parents’ provision of such and to perform acts of gratitude on demand. Children are expected to respect and maintain contact with parents and only the most appalling behavior on the part of parents — with the burden of proving those things happened falling on the child — justifies protests that such contact is undesirable or unsafe.
But children owe their parents nothing. Not contact. Not respect. Not gratitude. Nothing. Anything parents get along these lines is a gift.
No child ever has any input or agency into whether or not xe is born. Xer life is something xer parents chose (for given values of choosing) to create. In that choosing those parents become responsible for this life until xe is able to live independently or until someone else accepts responsibility for xer. Having a child is ultimately a selfish act and one with enormous consequences. That’s not a bad thing — selfish itself carries no moral weight in any direction — just a thing. It just means parents don’t get to claim their selfish action also places an obligation on the person created by their selfish actions.
Okay. Clearly parents do claim exactly this and social structures back them up on it. But it’s wrong. It’s one more oppressive power structure I want to see burned down."
Invisible Monstaaahz
The way you slam your body into mine reminds me
I’m alive, but monsters are always hungry, darling,
and they’re only a few steps behind you, finding
the flaw, the poor weld, the place where we weren’t
stitched up quite right, the place they could almost
slip right through if the skin wasn’t trying to
keep them out, to keep them here (Richard Siken)
I’m alive, but monsters are always hungry, darling,
and they’re only a few steps behind you, finding
the flaw, the poor weld, the place where we weren’t
stitched up quite right, the place they could almost
slip right through if the skin wasn’t trying to
keep them out, to keep them here (Richard Siken)
All too much
Naomi: It all means so much to you, doesn’t it?
Cook: What?
Naomi: Life. You just live a bit harder than everybody else does. You splash about. You wallow in it. Like you can’t lose a moment.
Cook: Yeah I’m wallowed.
Cook: The thing is, Naomi, you splash about, other people get wet. I don’t give a fuck or anything, it’s just, you get a bit…you know. Fucks sake, I’m never going to get to bone you, am I?
Jesus Christ
Oh the thrill of it all, like finding a needle in a haystack; I'm grabbing empty air and holding to it like a prize. I apologize for it to be wiped off the shoulder and swept to the trash. There's people shouting shouting shouting outside, I'm looking out and I know I'm not a part of this. I realize now how badly I wanted to feel alive but when life takes a stab I miss the anesthetics of not feeling at all. But I love this path and the aesthetics of everything is pouring out in front of me, almost becoming too much to handle but I enjoy the challenge. Of course I'll constantly work on the process of finding the right words for everything. These scraped knees and round eyes aren't getting me anywhere, I guess I'll have to push farther.
Dotted lines, dotted lines, dotted lines you're running through my mind every day and I love you and all; but you're just a song who needs to mute.
Dotted lines, dotted lines, dotted lines you're running through my mind every day and I love you and all; but you're just a song who needs to mute.
Alabama, Arkansas
Everything alive is poetic, some whispering silence more than most.
105 days, 105 days, 105 beautiful days and if I could travel the world I'd do so with you for another 105 because we'd go from Cleveland to Berlin. For now, I know a million things to say without words and I'm pinky promising I'll stick around for a million more pinky promises. And I'm perfectly fine with that.
105 days, 105 days, 105 beautiful days and if I could travel the world I'd do so with you for another 105 because we'd go from Cleveland to Berlin. For now, I know a million things to say without words and I'm pinky promising I'll stick around for a million more pinky promises. And I'm perfectly fine with that.
"Is this a need or a want"
"entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem"
In simpler terms; the simplest explanation is always the best.
I needed today. I needed a walk. I needed a cry. I needed to get rid of my cigarettes and drown myself in coffee. I needed to write that simple letter with a simple explanation and I'm needing to put it in your mailbox. I'm needing you to understand.
I needed today. With all this needing to benefit my own good, I should say I'm excited. I'm excited to help; excited to give back. I know that I, myself, cannot change this world. But I can sure as hell help. One spark starts a fire and I still feel like the sun.
In simpler terms; the simplest explanation is always the best.
I needed today. I needed a walk. I needed a cry. I needed to get rid of my cigarettes and drown myself in coffee. I needed to write that simple letter with a simple explanation and I'm needing to put it in your mailbox. I'm needing you to understand.
I needed today. With all this needing to benefit my own good, I should say I'm excited. I'm excited to help; excited to give back. I know that I, myself, cannot change this world. But I can sure as hell help. One spark starts a fire and I still feel like the sun.
I could go on and on and on...
My favorite color is red and my favorite bird is blue. I have short stubby fingers and thighs that keep me move move moving. I could never forget my heart because it keeps me in tune when my mind veers off track. The whole world is my native land and you can never keep me in one place. I don't like being touched. It's strange for me to dislike. I just crave it too much and that's a problem. I like cigarettes. And vodka and Stella Artois because I'm simply a picky drinker. I don't think magic fizzles out and excitement doesn't die. I think it's kind of fun to be one of those impossible-to-work-with kind of girl. I have insecurities, I constantly try to pick the minds of others apart and I have a troubled path. I think it's why you're so incredible, you love all of me regardless. People talk to me like they know me, and I play along. The things I say can be (sometimes) humorous and (sometimes) thought-provoking. I love balconies but heights make my heart drop, conundrum. I'm viewed as a candle when I feel like the sun. I just don't burn out and I'm set into a routine. I'm not a bad girl that's been found, I was good and things went wrong along the lines somewhere. I kind of just disappear when things get rough and it feels like I've been asleep my whole life. I have a habit of being very good when I try to be good, but I've got an even better knack for being the greatest at my worst. - cut me off at anytime, I'm back and I want to put down everything.
Untitled
I think what most people fail to realize is that at this time in our lives, I'm talking about the here and now, we're better than the ghosts of who we were. Keep up with me; if we imagine a genuine being, with ideal qualities and characteristics, THAT is who we must transform ourselves into. In a world made to blend in, form your own mold and stand out amongst the crowd. I guess we also need to remember while we're creating the ultimate version of ourselves is to not become self righteous. We are no one's hero. Nobody needs us desperately. We are our own ground, our own air and our own spine. We're independent beings and we'll stay that way.
Changed the locks
"leaving is not enough; you must
stay gone. train your heart
like a dog. change the locks
even on the house he’s never
visited. you lucky, lucky girl.
you have an apartment
just your size. a bathtub
full of tea. a heart the size
of Arizona, but not nearly
so arid. don’t wish away
your cracked past, your
crooked toes, your problems
are papier mache puppets
you made or bought because the vendor
at the market was so compelling you just
had to have them. you had to have him.
and you did. and now you pull down
the bridge between your houses,
you make him call before
he visits, you take a lover
for granted, you take
a lover who looks at you
like maybe you are magic. make
the first bottle you consume
in this place a relic. place it
on whatever altar you fashion
with a knife and five cranberries.
don’t lose too much weight.
stupid girls are always trying
to disappear as revenge. and you
are not stupid. you loved a man
with more hands than a parade
of beggars, and here you stand. heart
like a four-poster bed. heart like a canvas.
heart leaking something so strong
they can smell it in the street"
I just need to get this out;
Before the end of 2009, I could not harbor a hatred for anyone who had crossed my path in a vile way. I didn't have it in me, my heart was too big and my head was too far up my ass to know any better. But you, haha, oh YOU. You tore me apart. Into a million little pieces and set them on fire. You watched me burn, you let the life drain out of my eyes. I feel like such a sap for crying about this while putting it down but I had to; I NEED this final closure. I'm sorry, but did you know I didn't sleep for months? Did you know how many weeks I had starved myself because the thought of your voice, your lips, made me weak? Even when I found someone new, you weaseled your way back into my life somehow. It took me a heart-wrenching three months (which, in retrospect, doesn't seem so long) to get over you. But three words was all it took to pull me back, I feel pathetic for falling for it. How could I have been so naive? I knew your game, I knew it well. But was it that little bubble that made my voice crack, whenever I whispered I was okay? Did I want that gone? It spread through me like wild fire and I could just feel myself falling back to you, deeper, and deeper with each word you uttered. I can't say it felt right, at any point in our relationship. Your words struck me like cold water and needles and I loved you too much. "Leave him, you can do so much better" I've said it to others myself, but looking at it from my perspective at the time; that never helped. How could I do better if while I was giving my all, and even that wasn't enough? For two years I knew your name, your favorite foods, knew what would make you angry, knew when you were lying to me. For all that pain you put me through, I can honestly say I love seeing you crumble. You're helpless, and I'm getting a sick pleasure out of watching you squirm. I'm gone, I've been gone. You never knew me, you never cared to either. I've said this before, but your cruel antics to try and take me from the beautiful frequency I have now has finally set things straight. I hate you, I can't say that for anyone else in this world. You broke my trust, my hope, my heart. There is more than enough room for you in this life of mine, but I could not and would not ever invite you back into it. Excuse me for being rash, but I hope you get stuck with someone just like you. I want to see your light burn out just as you watched the waves crash down on me. Too far, too far gone.
Oh, I don't know
Don't stoop down to the levels of others, stay up high and when absolutely necessary surrender only what they need.
:)
Well, hot and heavy, pumpkin pie, chocolate candy, Jesus Christ, ain't nothing more pleasing me more than you.
Always missing you, wish I had more of this, yaknow.
whoops,lostmyspacebar
This world is insane, and thirteen is my favorite number. But I hate math, I couldn't tell you why; numbers just don't click. Equations don't click. I guess because there are times I like knowing that I don't have a definite answer to my problem, I like the wonder and the possibility of something else; something better. Maybe worse. I'm full of hope and that is my downfall. I'm currently bare-footed and loving it. I don't enjoy television and I find myself smiling more so than not. I have no attention span, and I honestly wonder how I'll be able to make a living just type type typing away on my keyboard, or snap snap snapping away with my camera. I hate when people ask me if I'm okay, I'm pale, I can whistle.
When my mind runs in fifty different directions everything is still.
When my mind runs in fifty different directions everything is still.
Today
I have organic, fair trade orange soda, tiramasu Italian waffle sticks, a big comfy bed with big comfy pillows and big comfy blankets, new ear candy, endless movies, this sweatshirt, camel crushes and I have all of this to myself. <3
I like today.
I like today.
Maybe, a little out there
Boxes stacked on top of boxes in the attic, gathering dust. I'm not someone sought after, my mind is up for the taking. I believe in the summer and the underdog, I'm full of surprises. When I breath it's like neon light for the masses of people out there. But I fumble around in the dark feeling for light and end up with a busted lip,I feel discouraged today. You're a raging forrest fire. I'm cold water splashed with self-denial. I'm running and running but my feet are stuck in cement, why? I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've lost this fucking "game". Choose choose choose. Choose kids you hated in school, choose the awkward, choose God. Choose to be an actor, choose to go each day based off of a whim, choose to make a lot of money. For God sakes just choose something! There's all these roads that will lead you anywhere if you're just as lost as I am. No one notices them, and no one notices the things they wish they had done.
Gosh, where do I begin?
Constantly
Counting 1,
2,
3,
4 . . .
The number of friends lost and found, missing homework, homework turned in, re-runs of serial killer documentaries, how many cups line my desk, back stabbing and shit talking, key strokes, brush strokes, pieces of thread, characters, tissues; I'm keeping track of them all, almost on my tongue. They burn, the clock tolls; pillow talk. Each is un-important in their nature but they've kept me in line.
I solemnly swear
I won't ever know why I am the way I am, why I meet the people I do, why my dog chews on only my shoes.
Never say never? Jesus Christ, I'm singing it. If "never" didn't exist, where's the wonder in things? Where's the beauty? Because I'll tell you if you go out for answers to everything, your vision is all too clear, apathetic; jaded.
And I've said it before but I'll say it again, we should all know there are things in this world that no one will ever be able to explain. Things meant for the deep dark un-known.
Think thank thunk
I am so tired of those ashamed.
I love freckles, scars, and bruises and any sort of contusion. I am constantly in wonder of people and bodies and I don't hesitate to share myself with those I connect with. People sharing lips on couches and in ice frosted cars, being hurt and living the pain, finding pieces of smell on clothes reminding you I was there; these are all wonderfully beautiful to me and hiding such sensational thrills is beyond anything I can comprehend.
Why can't others be more like me? I bet that now you see me as a rhetorical asshole, and if that's the case I'd love it said to my face.
Different
I want to fly away, I want to let go of my vices; I'm spinning, falling.
I try, I can say that much.
My habits, they're the bane of my existence
and I swear they're holding me down; keeping me here.
But the fact that I'll never know,
says it all.
This road to hell is long enough for me to figure out what's right.
I try, I can say that much.
My habits, they're the bane of my existence
and I swear they're holding me down; keeping me here.
But the fact that I'll never know,
says it all.
This road to hell is long enough for me to figure out what's right.
Beautiful
"I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."
Just for you,
no others.
"Like, you go your whole life thinking you know what you want. And then you meet that one person and it's as if you have to question your own existence to be sure you're there in that moment. It's just amazing, everything changes"
This is real with you, I can feel it through your soul and I'm finding myself in your eyes that act as a reflection of my own being. No magic tricks; fog and mirrors. We have our share of secrets but we stand open, "we set no wall."
I feel new, more alive than I have in over a year. I wasn't expecting you, let alone anything. And I guess that's what happens, the ripest of fruit falls from the top; knocks you out senseless. Put all guard down, and feel.
"Like, you go your whole life thinking you know what you want. And then you meet that one person and it's as if you have to question your own existence to be sure you're there in that moment. It's just amazing, everything changes"
This is real with you, I can feel it through your soul and I'm finding myself in your eyes that act as a reflection of my own being. No magic tricks; fog and mirrors. We have our share of secrets but we stand open, "we set no wall."
I feel new, more alive than I have in over a year. I wasn't expecting you, let alone anything. And I guess that's what happens, the ripest of fruit falls from the top; knocks you out senseless. Put all guard down, and feel.
Lullaby, lullaby
Baby pull your covers up and start your sleeping
Start your dreaming
Kiss the sky
No one comes around this town on the weekends
So you're safe in this bed
You're safe for some time
I'll follow you around this playground
And burn your troubles in the sun
I'll follow you six feet under
And give life back to you
My love
I took care of the kids on the balcony
I gave them tea and dried their eyes
All of your troubles are on top of me
But your troubles are sweet
They're sweet like wine
Start your dreaming
Kiss the sky
No one comes around this town on the weekends
So you're safe in this bed
You're safe for some time
I'll follow you around this playground
And burn your troubles in the sun
I'll follow you six feet under
And give life back to you
My love
I took care of the kids on the balcony
I gave them tea and dried their eyes
All of your troubles are on top of me
But your troubles are sweet
They're sweet like wine
Over
I'm beyond everyone, I swear. I'm past getting down on my knees, praying, no - begging, for understanding and acceptance. I'm past the humiliation; past asking for help.
I feel better than so many people, I'm ready for a fight.
I don't want to understand this world and the people in it. I don't see a point, you're all liars and this is a nightmare.
And when it comes to myself I feel like a stranger day by day, constantly changing. Never the same as when I wake. But I understand, I feel, I know.
Try me.
I feel better than so many people, I'm ready for a fight.
I don't want to understand this world and the people in it. I don't see a point, you're all liars and this is a nightmare.
And when it comes to myself I feel like a stranger day by day, constantly changing. Never the same as when I wake. But I understand, I feel, I know.
Try me.
Old Livejournal nothings;
So far, every loss has been a soul shake for me to move on. Broken trust is only a side effect. I'll love you until the end of the day, I don't believe in forever. To me, letting go is better than maintaining control. No good has ever come from over thinking things. Eventually, everyone feels just how you do. It's time for you to wake up.
People are ashamed to feel, to show how they feel.
People are happy, but they don't jump up and laugh.
People are sad, but they don't cry out for help.
People are mad, but they don't scream out in anger.
People are loved, but they don't show affection towards their paramour.
They'd rather shuffle their feet, and let their head hang low; than look up and see how beautiful the world around them truly is.
Call me crazy, but I think that's true.
Nostalgia.
It's always creeping in on me, drifting into the corners of my mind, stirring up old memories covered in dust.
I miss how things used to be, even though I'm a much happier person at this point in time, than I was let's say a year or two ago.
So why do I miss something that wasn't the best for me?
That I don't know, but I do know there are times I miss my past.
Do I think that by falling back into that hole, I can fix the things I did?
In the suppressed inter-workings of my mind, I'm sure I do.
But I can't fully admit to that.
I've simply just been thinking.
~Every person I've hurt haunts me at night and I've hurt quite a few people - and I haven't slept my whole life time
~a broken heart can't hold love.
~It scares me, knowing that I've been the one who has hurt myself the most in my lifetime.
It's breaking me, it really is.
~People around you can't comprehend why you do the things you do,
or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain
<333333333
It's taken me about a year to find out what I want. And that year, well, it really shook me up.
I've said I've wanted something real before, and I simply wasn't ready.
I was young and naive, there was no way I could have prepared for what had hit me so fast.
So here I am, I am whole. I may be a little wrinkled and such, but I am a whole being, that knows what she wants.
I want security and certainty. I want honesty, and devotion.
I want to see my reflection in someone's eye, while they see their heart in mine.
I want everything from you, and nothing more.
I guess I don't want to notice the world around you, whoever you are.
People are ashamed to feel, to show how they feel.
People are happy, but they don't jump up and laugh.
People are sad, but they don't cry out for help.
People are mad, but they don't scream out in anger.
People are loved, but they don't show affection towards their paramour.
They'd rather shuffle their feet, and let their head hang low; than look up and see how beautiful the world around them truly is.
Call me crazy, but I think that's true.
Nostalgia.
It's always creeping in on me, drifting into the corners of my mind, stirring up old memories covered in dust.
I miss how things used to be, even though I'm a much happier person at this point in time, than I was let's say a year or two ago.
So why do I miss something that wasn't the best for me?
That I don't know, but I do know there are times I miss my past.
Do I think that by falling back into that hole, I can fix the things I did?
In the suppressed inter-workings of my mind, I'm sure I do.
But I can't fully admit to that.
I've simply just been thinking.
~Every person I've hurt haunts me at night and I've hurt quite a few people - and I haven't slept my whole life time
~a broken heart can't hold love.
~It scares me, knowing that I've been the one who has hurt myself the most in my lifetime.
It's breaking me, it really is.
~People around you can't comprehend why you do the things you do,
or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain
<333333333
ugh*
I am just so utterly sick of you finding me every time I hide. Ruining things for me every time you come back around. I don't understand, you've left your mark - I've been scarred. Haven't you had enough? You let me slip right through your hands, I got away.
I didn't fight to save the love you never showed me, I just wanted my sanity. Shouldn't you know our fate by now?
This isn't goodbye, this is I hate you.
But I pray to God every night you'll find who's right for you some day, because it isn't me - not anymore.
I didn't fight to save the love you never showed me, I just wanted my sanity. Shouldn't you know our fate by now?
This isn't goodbye, this is I hate you.
But I pray to God every night you'll find who's right for you some day, because it isn't me - not anymore.
Not that bad of a person
I'm not greedy but I love being right. I enjoy straight vodka and the blurry memory that comes with it.
I've been happy hiding behind my styrofoam coffee cup thinking I'm adored by those who will never know who I really am. The gas station workers and Circle K employees feel like my last hope. I'll listen to the radio, have another cigarette.
Sure, I don't take the greatest care of myself. I don't sleep and I take my pills.
I don't hurt others. I make soup for my family when they're sick. I stand behind my decisions.
I'm glad I'm me, I'm proud of myself.
And I'm fine with the ramble I spit out.
I've been happy hiding behind my styrofoam coffee cup thinking I'm adored by those who will never know who I really am. The gas station workers and Circle K employees feel like my last hope. I'll listen to the radio, have another cigarette.
Sure, I don't take the greatest care of myself. I don't sleep and I take my pills.
I don't hurt others. I make soup for my family when they're sick. I stand behind my decisions.
I'm glad I'm me, I'm proud of myself.
And I'm fine with the ramble I spit out.
The lack of light
I miss star filled eyes, mess making, knot tied tongues, sun burnt skin, mints after dinner, window reflections, not forgetting, being better than the lies I had breathed in, impulsive decisions, writing letters for my lover, the diets of rice cakes and cigarettes.
I've got cabin fever in my mind again. This snowfall, it's beautiful but it's keeping me in when I'm meant to be out.
Oh there's words creepin' up my spine, I just can't let 'em out.
I've got cabin fever in my mind again. This snowfall, it's beautiful but it's keeping me in when I'm meant to be out.
Oh there's words creepin' up my spine, I just can't let 'em out.
:s
We're born to grow up, discover the world, then discover ourselves. But have I done something wrong to have found myself while sitting still?
Can't help but///
Every part of you is encouraged by the other, beautifully diversified. All dependent on each, hardly fleeting. You're incredible.
the 100th post
And it's about how I couldn't have thought of any better way to have spent my new years than with you. Falling fast, I know my wasted heart can love you, because it already does. I can't begin explain how amazing it feels to be close to someone again, not only physically but through our souls as well. And to look up and know you're just across the room.
Hopefully I'm giving you something to believe in, because you're giving me reasons to sleep at night.
Hopefully I'm giving you something to believe in, because you're giving me reasons to sleep at night.
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